From the Deputy Head of Junior School – Wellbeing
Healthy Friendships: Helping Children Navigate the Ups and Downs of Friendship
Friendships are a vital part of childhood. Through their friendships, children learn how to cooperate, show empathy, solve problems, and develop a strong sense of belonging. At school, we use the URStrong friendship program to help students build the skills they need to create and maintain healthy relationships.
One of the most important messages we teach is that every friendship will have challenges from time to time. Disagreements, misunderstandings, and hurt feelings are a normal part of being in a relationship with others. Children do not need perfect friendships; they need the skills to manage friendship challenges in positive and respectful ways. This is where a shared language between school and home can be incredibly helpful.
What Does a Healthy Friendship Look Like?
Healthy friendships help children feel safe, valued, and accepted. In a healthy friendship, children:
- Enjoy spending time together
- Show kindness and respect
- Listen to each other
- Include one another
- Are honest and trustworthy
- Respect boundaries
- Can disagree and work through problems
It is also important for children to understand that friendships change over time. They may have different friends in different contexts, and not every friendship needs to be a “best friendship” to be meaningful.
Recognising Unhealthy Friendships
Sometimes friendships can move into an unhealthy space. Signs of an unhealthy friendship may include:
- Frequent put-downs or teasing
- Excluding others on purpose
- Controlling behaviour
- Gossiping or spreading rumours
- Pressuring a friend to do something they do not want to do
- Making a child feel worried, anxious, or unhappy most of the time
Teaching children to notice how they feel in a friendship helps them develop self-awareness and make healthy choices about the relationships they invest in.
Friendship Fires vs Mean-on-Purpose Behaviour
A key concept in the URStrong program is helping children understand the difference between a Friendship Fire® and Mean-on-Purpose behaviour.
Friendship Fires®
A Friendship Fire is a normal conflict between friends. It might involve a disagreement, misunderstanding, hurt feelings, or a mistake. Neither child is trying to be hurtful; instead, they are struggling to communicate or solve a problem.
Examples might include:
- A disagreement during a game
- Forgetting to invite a friend to play
- Misunderstanding something that was said
- Accidentally hurting someone’s feelings
Friendship Fires can usually be resolved when children talk respectfully, listen to each other’s perspective, apologise when needed, and work towards a solution together. These challenging moments often help friendships grow stronger.
Mean-on-Purpose Behaviour
Mean-on-Purpose behaviour is different. It occurs when someone deliberately says or does something to hurt another person physically, emotionally, or socially.
Examples might include:
- Name-calling
- Deliberately excluding someone
- Spreading rumours
- Mocking or embarrassing someone
- Intimidating body language or hurtful comments
URStrong uses the term “Mean-on-Purpose” because it is a child-friendly way of helping children recognise intentional hurtful behaviour and respond appropriately. Students learn strategies to stand up for themselves respectfully, seek support from trusted adults, and look after their wellbeing.
How Parents Can Help
Parents play a powerful role in supporting friendship skills. When your child talks about friendship difficulties, try to:
- Listen calmly before offering solutions.
- Ask questions that help them reflect on what happened.
- Help them identify whether it was a Friendship Fire or Mean-on-Purpose behaviour.
- Encourage empathy and perspective-taking.
- Reinforce respectful ways to solve problems.
- Seek support from the school if concerns persist.
By using the same language at home and school, we can empower children to navigate friendship challenges with confidence, resilience, and kindness. Together, we can help our students build the healthy, respectful relationships that are so important for their wellbeing and growth.
– Joanne Sharpe
Deputy Head of Junior School – Wellbeing