From the Leader of Wellbeing

In Real Life ….. Relationships are Unedited

CONFLICT

Life is not a reality series. Relationships don’t play out from a script. Relationships bring connection, sadness, laughter, loneliness, growth, belonging, joy, challenges, and comfort into our lives. What makes us feel good is great, but what makes us uncomfortable brings uncertainty and fear then ultimately growth. 

Healthy relationships involve conflict. When we experience conflict, we show others who we really are as a human being and what we value.

Conflict is a lot about our values and how we feel; it is our core. It is challenging for everyone at different stages of life, but especially when we are developing a sense of self and learning to navigate it with the positive coping skills we had before.

Dealing with conflict is about how we feel and also how we address/respond to the ‘issue’. An infant will cry when they feel conflicted – I want that toy over there, but I can’t get to it on my own, or I am hungry, and I can not get food myself unless I communicate with the person who brings it to me. As the infant develops, they learn how to address the conflicting emotions within themselves and solve the problem. In adolescence, though, with so many competing influences, the conflict is amplified – do I do this because it is the right thing to do, or do I do that because my friends are all doing it, or should I do this to protect myself because I am scared?

The prefrontal cortex is developing, and now is the time for them to step into these challenges and learn how to navigate them based on who they are becoming, not how they feel. The key word here is LEARN. Where do they learn to do this? After all, we do not want them to make a ‘mistake’. They learn by doing. They learn by reaching out to respected adults and asking for guidance and advice. Sometimes, in fact, a lot of the time, the adult needs to INVEST in the young adolescent, show them how to process the intense feeling, and address the issue.

At MSCW, our teachers work closely with students to help them learn how to navigate conflict individually through restorative practice. This process builds the individual’s skill set and addresses and resolves the conflict through a structured (scripted) conversation that each student is invested in. The adult prepares them for this process, and yes, sometimes it will involve a script to guide them in what they want to say and express to the other individual.  This may include the actions that they engaged in or experienced, how they feel about that and how it has impacted them and others, and then finally propose a solution that all parties agree to. A member of staff chairs this meeting to ensure all parties discuss and agree. The chair ensures the individuals involved are respected, supported to express what they want to say, and that everyone hears what is communicated – listens. Listening requires effort. Mental effort, by paying attention to what is being said and listening with the intent to understand the real meaning and the impact of their actions. Hearing is passive.

Avoiding conflict is an attempt at ‘editing’ life. Fighting back out of anger is not a coping skill; rather, it is a ‘performance’ (or, as the girls say, ‘drama’). Conflict gives us, as mature adults, the opportunity to walk side by side with young people, witness their growth and, in doing so, strengthen the trust and respect that they have in us as adults. 

Intervention and support are readily available for your daughter here at school, and the sooner they, or you, reach out, the better the outcome for all of our young people.

This article on College life meets The Archbishop’s Charter for Catholic Schools – Charter #1, #2, #8