In This Together – Sexuality and Relationships

I know you will all be aware of the many recent conversations around consent, sexual harassment and abuse, and respectful relationships and conduct between young men and women. Schools have a part to play in making this world a safer and more secure place for our young women. And parents have an even more significant role to play – as the first and continuing educators of their children, having primary responsibility for bringing up their children and instilling values, beliefs and good conduct. But of course, this will all work best when schools and parents share the responsibility, taking complementary roles to ensure that our young people are supported and guided as they grow to adulthood.

In the spirit of working together, I thought I would pen some thoughts about the range of topics you, as parents of school-aged children, might consider talking about with your daughter. The list isn’t definitive, comprehensive, or absolute! You might agree with some of this, and not other parts. They are random observations and insights, conversation starters and ideas rather than the end point or a check list to be marked off. I know that every family at SCEGGS will have their own unique set of values and principles about what they want for their daughter, and that is what we value at SCEGGS so much. So take some of the ideas which follow, and pass over others. I write this in the spirit of being helpful and starting some conversations too. As always, please do contact me if there is anything here you would like to discuss, things you disagree with, or if you just would like a chat!

It isn’t easy, of course, to write one article which is relevant to parents who have very young children, as well as those who have teenagers or young women nearing adulthood. But it is important for all of us to engage in these matters, and so there will be parts of this article which are important for you to read and consider for your own family circumstance, whatever the age of your daughter!

And because there is so much to talk about, I will publish this in two parts – one this week, and the second instalment next week. This week focuses on sexuality, and next week, the focus shifts to be more about relationships.

Sexuality – some ideas and definitions

Sexuality is a normal and wonderful part of life. Children and young people are naturally curious about every aspect of sexuality – where babies come from, what are the various body parts – on their bodies and on the bodies of others, what sex is all about… And we want our children, when they are ready and mature enough to do so, to enjoy a good, positive, safe, and joyous start to sexual activity.

The World Health Organisation, in a report on Sexual Health from 2002, defined sexuality in the following way.

Sexuality is a central aspect of being human throughout life and encompasses sex, gender identities and roles, sexual orientation, eroticism, pleasure, intimacy and reproduction. Sexuality is experienced and expressed in thoughts, fantasies, desires, beliefs, attitudes, values, behaviours, practices, roles, and relationships. While sexuality can include all of these dimensions, not all of them are always experienced or expressed. Sexuality is influenced by the interaction of biological, psychological, social, economic, political, cultural, ethical, legal, historical, religious, and spiritual factors.

So, there are lots of things that you need to have talked about with your daughter by the time she is a young adult!

Some topics of conversations for parents of younger children:

As a young child, your daughter needs to know about:

• Male and female bodies and the various body parts and their biological and colloquial names
• Reproduction, sex, and where babies come from
• What is OK, and what is not OK
  • inappropriate touching etc, and what to do if she is uncomfortable about someone doing something which doesn’t feel right.
  • keeping one’s “private parts” private, one’s body safe, what sorts of behaviours are not right in public…
• What is happening and/or will happen to her own body – breast development and periods, but also awakening sexual attraction to others – girls, boys, teachers, friends…
• What is happening to the boys around her and their bodies, and their thoughts about sexuality too (in an age-appropriate manner).

It is important, from the early years, that you stress that it is OK to talk to you and ask questions whenever your daughter wants to know something or wants to talk to about any aspect of sex, sexual identity or sexual activity and her feelings, relationships, and intimacy… You are always there to talk, to listen, and to answer questions…If you have been talking with your daughter since she was very young, answering her questions openly and honestly in an age-appropriate way, then she is more likely to come back to you with other questions later on. And similarly, the conversations you want to initiate with her when is older and more self-conscious will also be easier.

Some topics of conversations for parents of older children:

As your daughter gets older, you will want to have conversations with your daughter about:

• Types of sexual activity – oral sex, sexting, masturbation, etc…
• What information is available online – the good and the bad. Issues around porn online are very much at the forefront of community conversations. Discussions about what makes a loving and respectful sexual relationship, and how this is different from how sexual activity is often portrayed online, are topical. Issues around violence in sexual activity, coercion, and force need to explained and understood as not part of a normal healthy relationship.
• Sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy and childbirth, and safe sex practices.
• All of the various types of contraception, how they are used, and how she might access them if and when she needs them.
• If you have religious beliefs, how those play out for you in relation to sexual activity, and your expectations around their behaviour within those beliefs.

Some ideas around important messages

There are some clear messages you will want to discuss:

• Girls have every right to expect good behaviour from the boys and girls around them. It shouldn’t be an added bonus. If someone assaults, harasses, coerces, manipulates, or otherwise pressures your daughter into doing something she is uncomfortable with, then this is unacceptable behaviour and should not be tolerated. Letting your daughter know that talking to you as parents if such a thing happens is the first course of action. Making sure that your daughters know that they can ALWAYS come to you as parents first if something like this happens to them is absolutely pivotal. And together, you can consider whether it is also a legal matter and something you would like to tell the school. SCEGGS will do everything we can to support you and your daughter, including working with other schools whose students have been involved in any incident, and working with legal and counselling authorities too.
• Sexual experiences and consent. Let your daughter know that it should always be OK to tell a friend, boy or girl, about what she is comfortable doing, and to tell them to stop when she feels uncomfortable about an activity or topic of conversation. You don’t find love, happiness, or intimacy through sexual favours with casual acquaintances or relationships that only address the preferences and desires of one person and not the other. Loving, sexual relationships are intimate and mutually enjoyable and pleasurable. A good solid respectful and loving relationships comes first, the sex comes second, and is all the better for the underpinning of love. It is OK to say no…or not yet. It is OK to tell a boy what you are comfortable doing and what you are not comfortable in doing. Only do the things you are comfortable in doing. Expect your consent or non-consent to be respected and acted upon, every time.
• When people drink alcohol, inhibitions are lessened, and good judgement is impaired. You should make it clear to your daughter that it is never a good idea to drink to the point you are so drunk that you don’t know what you are doing. It is also important to stress that, if this does happen, it never excuses or makes OK anything that anyone does to you. You hope she will always look after her friends if they have had too much to drink, and that they will look after her too.
• You will want to talk to your daughter about not taking photographs of herself in compromising situations, and not letting her boyfriend or girlfriend take photos of her either. The message should be: Never send photos of yourself naked or semi-naked to anyone else, even those you think you can trust. Mistakes can happen unintentionally; you don’t know what the other person might do once the relationship is over. Sadly, sexual images can also be taken of someone when they are unconscious and distributed without their knowledge or consent. To take or send sexual pictures against the wishes of someone (“image-based abuse”) is a crime in most states of Australia and can cause terrible anguish. However, if this does happen, it is never the fault of the person of whom the pictures were taken, but of the taker and distributor. Make sure your daughter knows she can talk to you if anything untoward has happened.
• Not everyone is having sex! Just do what you feel comfortable with and feel confident to say no, or stop, if things are happening too fast for you. Many, many girls in Year 12 are not sexually active, but many feel pressure to do so. We should always make it OK to not be sexually active!
• Girls need to support each other in a constructive fashion. In the last few weeks, I have heard too many stories of girls who have felt under attack from their friends when the girl was sexually assaulted by a friend. I have heard stories of girls pressuring their friends to engage in sexual activity before they were ready – about defining “cool” as early engagement in sexual activity. And I have heard too many stories of “slut-shaming’ and victim-blaming, instead of strong support and understanding for someone who has been abused. Looking after your friends and understanding their personal circumstances should be absolutely expected and delivered, every time!

How to start some conversations

Now I know it isn’t easy for some of us to talk about sex. It can be daunting and uncomfortable. For some of us, we don’t know how to start the conversation, we don’t know quite the correct language to use, and we don’t know when we have said enough. We are worried that we going to go red in the face and show discomfort and embarrassment. Don’t give up or run away from conversations! You don’t want your daughter to interpret any awkwardness in the conversation as a sign that you’d prefer she didn’t ask you these things moving forward. So be open and say “I do feel a little embarrassed but I know how important these conversations are for both of us”. It does get easier. 

You might start some of the conversations because of something you have both seen on TV or in the movies. A friend or relative might be pregnant. A friend of your daughter might have a first relationship. Or your daughter might raise the topic first. Be open to conversations when they occur naturally and do your best to show that you welcome conversations about relationships and sex with your daughter – whether you are her Mum or her Dad. Try to keep the conversations at an age-appropriate level, with a balance between factual information, your own opinions, and values, and lots of listening to your daughter and what she thinks! Do ask her about how she feels about her friends who have boyfriends and girlfriends, or when she sees sexual activity on TV, or about contact she has with boys. Good, thoughtful and non-judgemental conversations about sex and respectful relationships are some of the most important ones you will have with your daughter! So prepare well for them.

Support available for parents from the School

The School does a lot to educate your daughters about relationships and sex education – in PDHPE and in our pastoral programs. The SCEGGS P and F will be holding a parent forum at our Term 2 meeting to talk about all of this – what the school can do, what parents can do, and also to explore what more we can all do too. The meeting is on June 1^st at 7.00pm in the school Lecture Theatre. The Panel will consist of a couple of members from the external consultancy ConsentLab, and members of the school staff too. So, if you would like more information, I encourage you to come to that meeting. More information about that meeting will be provided in the Behind the Green Gate in the weeks ahead.

You might also want some quite specific and personal advice – about a Christian perspective, for example. Please do contact our Chaplain Garry Lee-Lindsay, one of the senior staff or myself and we would welcome a chat with you. You could also seek help from one of our school counsellors. I can put you in touch with one of them if you are not sure who to talk to. And I will be publishing information about other external sources of support, and additional resources, in this column in coming weeks.

Well, there is a lot to unpack there! Take it slowly, having conversations with your daughter when you can. Let her know that you are always there to help and support her, to listen and to guide when she asks. And as I said at the beginning, please do ring me and chat if you would like to discuss anything raised here. Good luck!

Jenny Allum
Head of School