From Ms Allum – In This Together

Sexuality and Relationships Part 2                                                                    

You might have seen that last week I wrote a piece for In This Together, about how parents might be able to help their daughters to grow up well, ensuring they are as safe as possible from sexual harassment and abuse, enjoying respectful relationships and conduct between themselves and the young adults around them.

As I noted last week, schools have a part to play in making this world a safer and more secure place for our young women. And parents have an even more significant role to play – as the first and continuing educators of their children, having primary responsibility for bringing up their children and instilling values, beliefs and good conduct. But of course, this will all work best when schools and parents share the responsibility, taking complementary roles to ensure that our young people are supported and guided as they grow to adulthood.

Your daughter’s first romantic relationship can be a highly charged emotional time for her and for you. Nothing feels as good as that first love! For some girls, their first love can last a long time – months or even years. For others it can be quite fleeting. But it will nearly always be an overwhelmingly emotional and euphoric time. This is a time your daughter is learning more about herself and who she is. She is learning about being more autonomous and independent from her family and friends. She is learning about communication and interpersonal skills and how to ask for things that satisfy her, and how and when to say No to things she doesn’t want to do. She learns how to have an intimate relationship, one based on mutual respect and love.

When parents talk openly and comfortably about sex and relationships with their daughters, their daughters will likely be more comfortable about their own bodies, understand their awakening sexual desires, have an improved ability to form good respectful intimate relationships, and make good sexual choices and expect respectful sexual choices to be made by others. There is no evidence AT ALL, that having conversations with young people about sex leads them to have sex earlier than if you didn’t have these conversations. They are going to explore and experiment, with or without your conversations, and so your helping with good information and discussions about your values and beliefs can only be of benefit.  So, however hard it is for you, keep going!

As your daughter gets older, she is likely to experience some pressure from boys to engage in a variety of different sexual activity. This pressure can be strong and overt, or more subtle and manipulative. The pressure might be to send her boyfriend, or a group of boys, photos of herself naked or in some state of undress. Sadly, we are seeing this happen at younger and younger ages, sometimes as young as Primary School. She might be asked to send photos of her genitals or breasts.  The pressure might come at parties to perform oral sex on a boy. There is often a view amongst young people that these sorts of activities are not sex, and so are appropriate activities for young people at parties. There isn’t anything wrong with oral sex, but you would want to point out to your daughter that if sexual activity is all about satisfying the boy, with no concern for the interests, needs or pleasures of the girl, it is a one-sided and selfish activity. Do try to talk to your daughter about the importance of only doing the things she is comfortable doing, and not succumbing to pressures which are degrading or exploitative.

I know it isn’t easy for some parents to understand that their daughter is more sexually active than they had thought. Young people seem to be more sexually active and aware than when their parents were at their age. Communicating your values around sexual activity and healthy respectful relationships and intimacy is important. Sticking your head in the sand and thinking your daughter is not aware of her own sexuality and isn’t exploring this, won’t help in the slightest. So, whilst it may make you feel uncomfortable, try to address this topic openly. It will help her feel more confident, informed and resilient.

It may also be the case that your daughter is romantically attracted to another girl – that she is starting to think she might be bi or gay. Trying not to be judgmental really allows you and your daughter to have honest communication based on respect and understanding. Allowing your daughter to explore her own sexuality and trying out new things is important. In my view, who a person chooses as their life partner, the person they ultimately fall in love with, is up to them and they will always be respected and welcome at SCEGGS. And it is certainly the case that some girls know quite early on in their lives that they are gay, or trans, or whatever. But other girls go through periods of time infatuated with girls or older women, and these early infatuations pass – identities are always subject to fluctuations. I try to encourage girls not to label themselves too early, to allow their sexuality and gender identify to be fluid, if that is what they are feeling, but to know that I will love and respect them wherever they end up, and that I just want them to be happy.

Don’t discuss only negative things or dwell on the dangers and risks of sex. Make sure she understands that the full range of sexual activity can be joyous and deeply moving with someone you love, when you are ready for it and go into it intentionally and willingly. Young people need to understand that we know that sex is a pleasurable and emotionally meaningful activity – of course with responsibility – for ourselves, for the other person, and for consequences of pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases – but sex is great! Also make sure she understands that her early sexual encounters may not be so good. The first time can be scary and painful. Good sex takes work on both sides – to learn about your body and your partner’s desires, and it takes good communication – to tell your partner what feels good and to find out what the other person likes and dislikes.

You should have conversations with your daughter about maintaining her own independence. You do not want her, or her new love, to be so clingy, so needy, so “exclusive”, that they leave behind all their old friends. You need to have some conversations about how to break-up with a partner – how to do this with compassion, kindness, and respect (i.e., not by text!). You need to prepare her for the fact that the boyfriend or girlfriend might break up with her too, and how she will feel, how she will behave.

As I said in the column, you might agree with some of this, and not other parts. They are random observations and insights, conversation starters and ideas rather than an end point or a check list to be marked off. I know that every family at SCEGGS will have their own unique set of values and principles about what they want for their daughter, and that is what we value at SCEGGS so much. So take some of the ideas and pass over others. I write this in the spirit of being helpful and starting some conversations too. As always, please do contact me if there is anything here you would like to discuss, things you disagree with, or if you just would like a chat!

Jenny Allum
Head of School