All My Own Work

NESA’s Bold Move To Uphold NSW’s Educational Standards.

L. M. Chavdarov

IN A SHOCKING TURN OF EVENTS, James Ruse Agricultural High School, long revered as the paragon of academic excellence, has seen an unbecoming slip in its ATAR lead, from a median of 99.95 to 99.90. Such small changes often serve as warnings for the chaotic maelstrom to come. Not this time.

Fear not, brave citizens of New South Wales! The talented, visionary staff of the New South Wales Education Standards Authority (NESA) have leapt into action, armed with good intentions, and the rock upon which they shall build their church: James Ruse.

NESA declared a state of emergency last week and, in a press conference, revealed and justified their new, forward-thinking paradigm. “James Ruse’s ATAR slippage is a dire violation of the rightful order of being. It’s a clear indicator that our system has been compromised.” declared a spokesperson from NESA, gazing solemnly into the horizon. “It’s our duty to restore academic excellence, integrity, and stability – not just for James Ruse, but for all students in New South Wales. We are here, and we shall not be moved.”

The first measure, which is already causing waves across the state, is the inflation of the scaling of agricultural studies. “It’s a well-known fact that understanding the intricacies of crop rotation and bovine psychology is directly proportional to one’s intelligence”, the spokesperson added with a nod, as if this were self-evident. “Boosting the importance of agricultural studies will indubitably usher in a new era of intellectual growth.”

However, not everyone is pleased with this abrupt move, believing that it won’t maintain the academic rigour NESA’s scaling systems have upheld for years. Historically, non-selective private schools have had their ATAR rightfully scaled down in response to accepting a broader range of talent. However, even they have the capability to offer agricultural studies to their students, possibly – and worryingly – giving them another avenue to conspire against, and compete with James Ruse. Thankfully, NESA had already considered this, adding that top students who didn’t attend James Ruse would be ‘re-educated’.

To further combat the ATAR slippage and maintain the status quo, NESA has introduced a much-needed measure targeting private schools. Beginning in the 2024 academic year, all private schools will be charged a tax, ranging from 5-40% of their annual revenue, roughly proportional to their median ATAR.

The NSW Minister of Education, with an air of authority that one can only achieve from hours spent deliberating over the scaling of subjects, weighed in: “It’s about equity. For too long, private schools have enjoyed the upper hand. By redirecting their funds to James Ruse, we ensure that academic excellence stays where it belongs: at the top. James Ruse has been a beacon of academic brilliance for decades. It’s only right that we rally around our flag-bearer in their time of need.”

The James Ruse P&C Association has released a statement saying they were “overwhelmed and grateful” for NESA’s recognition of their unique position in the academic ecosystem. “When James Ruse sneezes, the whole of NSW education catches a cold,” the statement read. “It’s a good thing that NESA is working hard to prevent an even greater disaster.”

But it isn’t all about the money. To keep it fair for everyone, NESA has also mandated a series of curriculum changes to maintain academic rigour. These include the inclusion of mandatory lessons on the history of James Ruse Agricultural High School, a module on the importance of agricultural studies irrespective of the subject being studied, and weekly seminars for the heads of private schools on the perils of “ATAR slippage”.

“It’s essential to ensure that our HSC maintains its integrity. If that means we have to readjust our priorities and recognise the monumental importance of agriculture, then so be it.” NESA elaborated in a handbook, distributed last week to teachers across the state. “Students and teachers alike need to understand the gravity of the situation. We’re choosing the minds of tomorrow. We cannot afford to let the bourgeois win.”

“I’ve always had a passion for English Extension,” said one Year 11 student from a renowned Sydney school, who requested to remain anonymous. “But now, I’m thinking of pursuing my newfound passion for… um… tractors?”

Though more changes are undoubtedly still to come, the citizens of New South Wales can rest easy knowing that NESA is on the case. With inflated subject scalings, a new tax on private schools, and a revamped curriculum, the state’s academic future seems brighter than ever. Whatever the outcome, it’s clear that NESA’s commitment to academic integrity is determined, and unwavering; they truly embody the educational spirit of NSW, and have with them the courage, and conviction of all our hearts.