How to Survive a Horror Film
Strategies To Help Maintain Your Alpha Reputation
C. D. Michel
IT’S A CLASSIC SCENE IN EVERY SCHOOLBOY’S LIFE; you and your friends are deciding what to watch, when you’ve spent the past twenty minutes scrolling through every possible individual film on Netflix. To your dread, someone decides to scream, “Let’s watch a horror film”. Now, there is always that one friend in every group who is terrified of these films. Fair enough. However, if that’s you, don’t worry, because instead of embarrassing yourself by saying, “I’m too scared”, read this article. Otherwise, you might be called a baby for the rest of your schooling career.
Now, one of the best strategies to make it through a horror film is to over-exaggerate how scared you really are. Every time someone talks, flinch; every time you expect a jump scare, scream louder and longer. Despite seeming quite counter-intuitive, this tactic works (believe me, I’ve had first-hand experience). By over-exaggerating your internal fear, it looks like you’re just taking the mick, and having a laugh. All your friends will definitely be talking about you after the movie, saying woah, “[Enter your name] is so cool, he was not even scared in the slightest, his overreacting was so funny,” but little did they know, you were just overcompensating for your embarrassing fear. Furthermore, this strategy is a good pick as it allows you to release your true emotions of fear since you can scream and jolt as much as you want. Ultimately, this tactic will get you through a horror movie easily, and by the end, your friends will truly realise how cool you actually are.
The second tactic used is called HorrorSleepTM. Just fall asleep, it’s that simple. When watching a horror movie, it’s usually dark and you’re sitting on a couch, so no wonder you’re going to fall asleep. The key bonus to this strategy is that you will miss all the jump scares since you’ll be asleep for the most part of the film. This tactic will remove any doubt in your friends’ minds that you could be afraid. While also reinforcing the idea that you are too cool for scary movies, and that you find them so tranquil and peaceful that you can even fall asleep by watching one. The only flaw of this tactic is that once you’re asleep in a room full of boys, who knows what tomfoolery, and mischief they’ll get up to without you, or even worse, they may decide to prank you. However, if the HorrorSleepTM strategy works, you are bound to gain respect from your friends and become an alpha in their eyes.
If we were to rank the strategies, this would be one of the poorer ones. Just keep talking through the movie. See, if you’re talking, you are not likely to be fully concentrated on the movie. And the less attention you pay to the movie, the less likely you’ll get caught lacking by the jump scares. Talk to your friends and guess when the next jump scare will be. Talk about the characters. Talk about anything. Find your inner ability to yap and waffle. Just keep talking because as soon as you stop talking and let your guard down, I guarantee there will be a jump scare, which will make you soil your pants, and the strategy will turn to shreds. I promise you, your friends won’t get annoyed because everyone loves somebody who talks all through a movie, right?? So yes, the only flaw to this strategy is if your friends tell you to “shut up,” then you may have to go back to the drawing board and use another strategy.
The final strategy which I’ll cover today, is the all famous reinforcement strategy. Every five minutes, tell your friends one of these lines, “I’m not scared,” “I love horror movies,” and “This stuff is for babies”. This is guaranteed to throw your friends off the scent. However, this requires consistency, so just remember to shuffle through these lines every few minutes to really emphasise how you are an alpha male who doesn’t get scared of horror movies. Furthermore, if you are watching this film with girls, they are bound to think you’re tough.
Just a reminder, especially if you are in your younger years, chances are you’re not the only one trying to conceal your inner fear. So don’t worry, just make sure to stick to these four strategies, that I have found to have a 100% success rate and you’ll survive all horror movies, without your friends ever gaining a hint that you’re a little wuss when watching horror films. So now it’s your turn, be the friend who recommends watching a horror film so you can show off your new skills and impress your friends.
