Parenting and Adolescent Mental Health
“Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man.”
(Job 38:2-3)
Dear Students, Parents and Carers
A great deal of interest has been shown in a recent book co-authored by American Professor of Psychology Jonathan Haidt, The Coddling of the American Mind. Haidt’s context is the American university scene, but as much of his commentary seems transferable to secondary schools, his work has resonated with Australian Headmasters and Principals. His essential point is that ‘bubble wrapping’ teenagers deprives them of coping skills to navigate the adult world. He blames ‘helicopter parenting’, the behaviour of parents which sees them metaphorically hovering above their child, ready to intervene and take over at the first sign of the child experiencing any difficulty. This has led to the labelling of the current generation of American university students as the ‘snowflake generation’, who quickly melt at signs of trouble. He argues that it is not activist students so much as university authorities who are deciding to de-platform speakers and, in that respect, contribute to ‘cancel culture’. He asserts that university authorities are acting to protect the mental health of their students, who are so easily triggered by and unable to cope with, ideas they consider confronting. Haidt indicates the enormous pressure on American university counselling services in recent years, which are overwhelmed by demand. His remarks are reminiscent of an address I heard some years ago by an Australian academic who cited surveys that suggested that 31 percent of American college students were too depressed and anxious to cope successfully with everyday life. It is an irony and a sad indictment of modern life that amidst such prosperity is so much unhappiness.
Haidt’s analysis of the American scene is horrifying, particularly considering that trends which emerge in the USA are normally apparent in Australia after a brief lag time. It is reassuring to me that I do not see this level of fragility amongst Shore students who, in the main, seem quite robust, in the best sense of the word, in leaning into life itself. However, Haidt’s warning is salutary for those of us in gatekeeper positions (parents and teachers) attempting to successfully steward the mental health and strength of young people.
It is clear from Haidt’s diagnosis that ‘helicopter parenting’ is not recommended, so precisely where can parents and teachers ‘land’ their supervision of the young? Australian clinical psychologist and wellbeing specialist, Dr Judith Locke, speaks well on this subject. She discourages overprotective parenting, instead urging parents to build their child’s independence progressively through the schooling years. She opposes medicalising normal feelings such as reasonable stress justified by circumstances. Indeed, young people must learn to accommodate this rather than regard all stress as deleterious. A certain amount of stress is necessary to get us moving each day! She also urges parents to manage and restrict social media harm by limiting students’ exposure to this medium. It is a moot point that the more time people spend on social media, the less equipped they are to relate to the real world.
Every parent needs to exercise wisdom in deciding when to intervene as against when to let the child wrestle with and learn from a situation and accept the natural consequences of decisions made. This requires considerable judgement. The obvious general rule is that younger students need more protection than older ones. By 18 years of age, we certainly want students to be emancipated and ready for life beyond school, rather than dependent and ill-equipped. Part of growing up is accepting that life can be, and often is, unfair, and we can’t change that, so we must accommodate it. We may well shake our fists impotently at times at other people or God himself, but may well receive the answer the Old Testament figure Job had from the Lord – “Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man” (Job 38:2-3). Often there are no answers, and we cannot change our circumstances. Children eventually need to learn that their parents are not, in fact, able to rescue them from all situations. This is part of growing up to independent adulthood.
My long experience with parents indicates that they are often very protective, and even interventionist, with their first child, more relaxed with their second, and exhausted and rather liberal with their subsequent children! Third children, in particular, often take licence. Where possible, a more even approach across all siblings is to be encouraged, admitting the difficulty of finding this point from a position of no previous experience with the first child.
At Shore, we continually develop proactive pastoral and wellbeing initiatives, which we believe will benefit students and parents depending on which stakeholder group particular initiatives address. A sequential programme over the years of school endeavours to adequately inform students and parents, with periodic information to parents about events related to particular Year groups. We also offer a suite of experiences, including the challenging ups and downs of sporting competition and the rigours of school camps away from the comforts of home as structured learning and character-building activities. We want our young people to be resilient, ready, compassionate and empathetic but case-hardened for life’s inevitable buffetings.
Dr John Collier
Headmaster
