The Ultimate (and Objectively Correct) English Text Tier List
Ranking The Literary Extravaganza That Is Shore English
M. D. Kwak
ENGLISH ISN’T JUST A SUBJECT. It’s an intense, life changing experience. Upon the completion of each book, film or literary opus, you emerge a different being.
Presenting to you: every single text from Years 7 to 11 ranked on a tier list with accompanying commentary.
GOAT: All-time greats, undisputed masterpieces, boasting unparalleled literary genius.
Fantastic Mr Fox: Goat teacher (the much-missed Mr Clarke) + Goat filmmaker (Wes Anderson) + Goat storyline (anthropomorphic foxes stealing a bunch of turkey and cider from farmers). No, genuinely, this movie remains an all-time classic for Shore students of English and unironically has some beautiful moments and elegantly masterful moments. If I can still remember the waterfall shot and the Boggis, Bunce and Bean: One Fat, One Short, One Lean song, this film has literally transcended time and space with its cathartic musical score and stop-motion animation. It’s a hugely entertaining film but also one you can write a heartfelt, tear jerking essay on – a growing rarity in English these days.
Catcher in the Rye: I am literally Holden Caulfield – cynical high school dropout, red hunting cap, teenage vernacular and all. Mr Penn made it ten times better, bestowing unto us a once-in-a-lifetime spiritual opportunity. Year 10 Term Two English was something of an existential awakening – a peak of existence I’m not sure will come again. Also, the Old Spencer “life is a game” chapter hits a bit too close to school.
S: Excellent pieces of fiction that keep me up at night with intrusive thoughts.
Parasite: Must I say more? It’s got everything. The peach montage. The stairs. Late-stage capitalism. American imperialism. Precise, geometric camerawork. It’s simply a masterpiece and as 11EE3A-1 should know by now, I can watch it without the subtitles on. If you need any excuse to do Extension English, this film is it.
Macbeth: The guy’s character arc goes crazy, and the spooky witches and Lady Macbeth are chef’s kiss.
Blade Runner: Vangelis really pops off here. This isn’t a movie. It’s an immersion into the cyberpunk genre itself – that features Prodigal Son 2.0 but with ocular motifs.
A: Texts that made me love English classes.
Dracula: It’s that good, so go read it. It’s honestly amazing how many veiled sexual insinuations Stoker makes in the novel (an art of subtlety I am fervently studying in order to reproduce in future articles). Contextually, this book is fascinating, and it boasts the whole package: early feminism, voluptuousness, and religious doctrine. Have I mentioned the staking and piercing white teeth?
Merchant of Venice: Shylock hard carries – nothing more to be said. Stocksy is dearly missed as well.
Moonrise Kingdom: Unpopular opinion, I’m aware, in all its profound Wes Anderson complexity (this is a joke, please don’t hurt me). I only recently found out that there’s a whole sequence filled with biblical allusions to Noah’s Ark, and it makes sense conceptually too? And the colours and cinematography are really nice to look at. Although I’m sure most of us were too enthralled in the prepubescent love story to take notice.
C: Decent – showed hints of excellence at times.
Never Let Me Go: Some nice writing at times but slow to get into at the start. Can appreciate what Ishiguro is trying to do but requires you re-reading it two or three times to really gain the fullest experience on offer.
King Lear: The messier, weirder and harder (to write an essay on) cousin of Macbeth.
Hot tip: Stay away from the Freudian psychosexual analysis (as appealing as the Reverse Oedipus “Leir” Complex may seem).
Mystery Road: It would have been lower but Mr Penn cooked up some cracking analysis to compensate for its realistically slow plot (showing us cinema verité was actually a clever technique purposefully employed by Sen).
The Happiest Man on Earth: A good read and I would recommend it to anybody, but unfortunately I didn’t spend enough time on it to rate it higher.
E: Questionable texts but nevertheless bearable.
I am Legend: Will Smith fights zombies with his dog.
Romeo and Juliet: My least favourite Shakespeare.
Maus: The Holocaust, reimagined with animal species. A clever graphic novel but it didn’t get the time it deserved, so my experience with it is limited.
L: Shore should consider changing these (if they haven’t already).
Road to Winter: Maybe the surfing and the dog were meant to be relatable to Shore boys? If Shore insists on doing dystopian novels for Year 9, may I suggest A Clockwork Orange as a far more compelling and age-appropriate text to study?
King of Shadows: Forgettable. A story about a guy performing Shakespeare with a weird time travel plot does my King Shakespeare no justice at all. Seems like the English department realised – as far as I’m aware, only one cohort (my own) was lucky enough to get the King of Shadows experience.
A Midsummer Night’s Dream: The experience of chilling in Clarke’s classroom watching a fever-dream movie with fairies and potions? 10/10. For studying literature? N/A. The vibes were there, but the Englishing wasn’t (not that I’m complaining too much).
Full view of tier list.