Pastoral Care at Shore – Language Matters

This week, the public media airing of chat room conversations involving students from certain schools made for difficult reading. I read, with profound sadness, some of the comments made by the boys in what they thought was a private chat room. I was reminded that in the online space nothing is private. However, I was not shocked by what I read. I do think these online chat rooms are all pervasive. I asked my own boys what they thought and my eldest two sons said they had seen similar things online. The difference for them, and many other boys, is that they chose not to engage and switched it off. Making wise choices when faced with ethical dilemmas is exactly what we need to teach our young people. I also contend that encouraging young people to call out bad behaviour and being the voice for the wellbeing of others is the height of moral standing character.

Recently, I listened to a young team from another school warming up for a suburban sporting game. They were hyping each other up, yelling in loud voices and screaming vulgar words. It was intense in its voracity and very threatening to anyone listening. I grimaced, as I continued to hear the boys yelling in guttural tones that they were going to ‘kill the other team’ and not just ‘kill’ them, but ‘smash them’. They screamed these words with vehemence and anguish, and it seemed as though this was a weekly dose of pent-up aggression that clearly, was very normal for them.

I felt instant unease as I watched as other spectators and young people grimace at the cacophony of profanity which led me to walk over to the dressing rooms and speak calmly with one of the trainers. I told him that I found it confronting to hear the boys screaming in this way. He looked at me incredulously and said, “Oh, you know, boys will be boys!” This comment disarmed me completely and I suddenly realised that this language and behaviour was being excused because they were boys.

Language matters. When a society internalises phrases over time, the attitudes underlying those words become part of the culture. It is a phrase used to excuse the behaviour of boys and this is problematic, as it dismisses accountability for behaviour.

I am no prude; I have three boys of my own. I have heard them swear often and each time, it is a wound to my soul. Locker room talk might be the preserve of men, not intended for an audience beyond the concrete walls, but it is what boys say in private when they think no one is listening, that is actually the measure of their character. Boys are often enculturated in behaviours that only occur behind closed doors, but often this enculturation has a far more profound effect on their moral compass and public selves than we realise.

Ms Rowena Dudgeon
Deputy Head Pastoral Care