Keller’s Marriage
Five Golden Rings: Part 1
I. J. S. Lanham
THAT’S RIGHT. MARRIAGE. Perhaps, you may suggest, a little ambitious for a School newspaper. But I know there are substantially differing views of marriage in our culture. We have a tendency to exalt or reject marriage at the pinnacle of our own self-actualisation. Condemning the undervaluing or overvaluing of marriage in historical cultures, depending on which side of the fence you sit, but a fence that’s more polarised in contemporary culture than ever before. We fear it, or we idolise it. At any rate, it is crucial to understand the core paradigms of marriage. They are applicable to those who are married, for sure. But also crucial in the decisions you may make when dating or subconsciously seeking prospective spouses, or even when single, living in a world surrounded and affected by the institution that is marriage.
Dr Timothy Keller
Why has marriage survived so long? There have been many reports of the expected decline of marriage moving into the 21st century, but clearly this hasn’t happened yet, despite speculation. Where is this power in marriage? What “a profound mystery”. I would like to divulge this inherent ‘power’ and purpose of marriage with the help of the arguments and analysis of Dr Timothy Keller, from whose podcast series I propose my five golden rings (yeah, I had to fit the tagline somehow – a bit tacky, I know). These are the five major points deduced from my 15 takeaways from his book and podcast series that I believe would be the most helpful in building an understanding of the power and purpose of marriage:
- Marriage as covenant.
It is crucial to understand the nature of marriage, and why it is actually established and differentiated from any other form of relationship. A marriage is a covenant, fundamentally articulated, a legally binding contract established in the presence of others for accountability purposes, to be adhered to unconditionally and indefinitely unless undone through legal intervention. This is by no means tokenistic or traditional to simply establish a relationship, but one of the highest declarations of love and intentions to love within the legal groundwork of commitment. You’ll notice that the traditional wedding vows are all in future tense. It’s love, irrespective of your current mood or disposition toward that person, a commitment to love (practical) despite the inevitable difficulties and hardships that such a relationship will face. Suddenly, there is an interdependence between the two parties instituted by the covenant. So, when you take something like a prenuptial agreement, you can see how it is in opposition to the covenant nature of marriage as a fail-safe for divorce. It ensures the relationship is not costly to oneself. Yet that defeats the purpose of marriage as a complete commitment and love for the other person and diminishes it to an agreement of co-existence, massively detracting from the potential and purpose of marriage. Seeking a low-maintenance partner has become attractive in our society as it allows us to have greater independence in our marriage, which we’ve exalted so highly. We have to reconcile the idea that marriage greatly limits our independence, and this actually helps promote selflessness.
- Marriage as friendship.
While marriage inevitably extends beyond the parameters of a simple friendship, it is a crucial point from which the makings of a good marriage will stem. In our contemporary Western culture, we’re being encouraged to seek good romance in our relationships. Keller suggests that romance is simply an added benefit to be sprinkled upon a deep, covenant-bound: friendship. When we eliminate most people for not conforming to our primitive standards of beauty and physical attraction, we naturally eliminate a greater opportunity to find someone who can make a great friend, from which physical attraction can maturely grow. In a culture obsessed with ‘free individual thought and expression’, we place the apparently objective beauty of fashion and media on a pedestal. A beauty that is subject to ageing and decay, no matter how we try to preserve its youth. Yet the beauty of character is something that does not perish, spoil or fade with time, but can actually increase in virtue. So, while the facade of romance dies and reveals the hollow and deteriorating relationship beneath, a best friend who becomes a spouse will have a more significant and timeless beauty, providing a flourishing relationship built on real trust and understanding.
The last three rings are inseparable from the first two and frankly provide greater and necessary context for the first two. Yet the cruel authoritarian hand of the SWR administration team (looking at you, Michael) has split marriage into two. So, I implore you, to re-read the first part, for this message is greater within the union of the two (ironic?), until-
