Would You Like To Be Famous?
WIN BIG! On Australia’s Reality TV Stage!
C. D. Michel
IF ONE DAY YOU ASPIRE TO BE AMONGST THE RICH AND FAMOUS, make it up there with the celebrities, and you’re not too afraid to enter an unknown territory filled with tacky middle-aged housewives and Sophie Monk (lots of Sophie Monk), reality TV is your best bet. While you may have to sacrifice your hard-earned reputation and lose some self-respect, get excited because it’s time to win big and give yourself a name in history! Or just make some money.
I think the easiest way to become famous is to go on either The Voice, X-factor, Australian Idol, Australia’s Got Talent…, any show where you can sing poorly. Let’s be honest: you aren’t going to win the show, so you might as well lose immensely. The strategy is to get on one of those viral ‘Top 10 funniest X-factor fail audition’ videos on YouTube. Make a complete fool out of yourself, sing like the Year 9’s sing in Chapel (poorly or not at all), and get angry at the judges. Good luck and go terribly.
Singing duo Ablisa, rage quitting X-Factor and successfully going viral
Too Hot To Handle. I mean, this show is, uhh, questionable. Firstly, just as a disclaimer, signing up to Too Hot To Handle will probably ruin your ability to have a successful job interview, and any self-respect in the future. However, I mean, if you want to be famous – this is the one. To win Too Hot To Handle, you must form meaningful connections with others on a paradise island, while remaining in a state of celibacy. My main advice is to make sure that you take some anti-hormone pills on the Island with you. Who knows? If this works, you could be going home with over $200,000.
Or maybe try Survivor. Firstly, it does not damage your reputation as badly as some other shows, and there’s a $1,000,000 prize pool, so you can finally afford lunch at Greenwood. Before throwing yourself into Survivor, make sure you have done plenty of physical and mental endurance training. Hang onto poles for three hours, do one-hour planks, and practice doing puzzles. Also, build your muscle mass and make sure those abs are well defined (mostly so you look good on TV, but it will probably also help in Survivor Challenges). To be honest, if you are a genuinely nice person, you will beat half of the contestants on Survivor, since most people on Survivor are so ego fuelled and socially unaware, they get voted out not because of strategy but because they are unbearable to be stranded on the Island with.
The Bachelor and the Bachelorette: I’ll keep this one succinct. Don’t sign up for The Bachelorette. You will most likely always lose. Sign up for The Bachelor, and you will have a 100% win rate at finding a girlfriend (until your newly found partner breaks up with you two weeks after the show because all they wanted was to be on reality TV, and not in your arms 🙁).
If food is your forte, maybe you’d be thinking of applying to MasterChef or Dessert Masters. If so, stop reading this article and get cooking now. Learn your basics, and make sure every meal you serve to the judges comes with a soppy emotional story: either “It was my grandma’s favourite dish”, or “My dad used to make it for us when we were kids”. Make sure to pull on the judge’s heartstrings. These strategies may get you past the first round! But you might as well give up. You’re not making it too far, because your competition has been cooking since they were infants and read cookbooks like their gospel. Maybe go to MasterChef Junior and vs the eight and nine-year-olds. Maybe then you would stand a chance.
MasterChef Junior cast (Season 9)
Not to hurt your ego, but nothing I can tell you will allow you to win Ninja Warrior. I wish you good luck because you will need it. You’re versing physical demons – Olympians. These people can do pull-ups using one finger, they can run up vertical walls, and, they run iron-mans for fun. I mean if you want, you can give it a go, but just know that you’re going to fail.
If I’ve destroyed your self-confidence, don’t worry because Total Wipeout is like a Ninja Warrior, just built for people going through a midlife crisis. Firstly, to win, make sure you know how to swim well. While it may seem stupid to us Australians, Total Wipeout is a British show and judging by some of the competitors, they need some serious help. Knowing how to swim fast, or knowing how to swim at all, will give you an immediate podium spot even if you fail in everything else.
Moving on, I know I said you’d have no chance at Australian Ninja Warrior, but you would have a much easier time winning Ninja Warrior than SAS Australia. Don’t even bother signing up for SAS; you would be smothered! It’s like Cadets, except instead of waking up to “Revelle, Revelle, Revelle”, you get verbally abused by ex-special-ops soldiers. You have to be prepared to climb cliffs, drown in sinking planes, get buried alive, and float in the shivering cold for hours on end. If you want to pass SAS, forget about training your physical body; start training your mind.
Millie Boyle scaling a cliff, on SAS Australia
Now that you’ve become very, very slightly famous, you can go on and extend your fame on I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, and The Masked Singer, to somewhat degrade your reputation just a bit more.