Boys Will Be Boys
A few years back, a good mate of mine and fellow Educator (Teacher), sent me an article titled “Raising Resilient Kids’, the author, Michael McQueen, makes reference to a term coined by Ivy Baker Priest, an American political figure, who said “My father had always said that there are four things a child needs – plenty of love, nourishing food, regular sleep and lots of soap and water – and after those, what they need most is some intelligent neglect.”
So what is ‘Intelligent neglect’? Let me explain in my typical, long winded way. Some of the greatest solutions to all things ‘Global’ have been solved around a campfire. Why Parliament house doesn’t have a giant fire pit is beyond me. A few years back I took a couple of mates to a friend’s hut in the high country above Lake Eucumbene. Being the end of term, it was the ideal setting to reflect, unload and ponder the term that was. With us all being heavily involved in boarding and being teachers of no great note, every story told was one that we all could relate too.
As conversation and stories flowed, I found myself relaying an experience of a lost opportunity for a parent to help his son build resilience. At a Friday night, 8pm mark-off, a boy came to me quite distressed and informed me that his school bag was taken by two boys. I sent for the two boys and now the three boys are standing in front of me, all really good friends. They had been playing a game of hiding each other’s bags and boys being boys, one forgot where he hid the bag and thus enters the ‘Wisdom of Solomon’, yours truly!
I was explicitly clear to all three boys about the possible outcomes of their actions and the solutions that would be employed depending on what tomorrow brings….. I covered all scenarios:
- If found with contents intact, no harm done but limbs will be removed if it happens again.
- If never found, entire contents are to be replaced by those who lost it.
- If found but bits missing, missing bits will be replaced at the cost by those who lost it.
I used no big words and only language they understood. I made the three boys repeat the scenarios and outcomes and we all agreed that we understood. I marked them off and that was the end of it, until the next day ….. or so I thought! Within 5 minutes of the boys marking off, an email arrives demanding answers. Written and sent by phone before pulling away from the curb.
This was a perfect time for the parent to practice ‘Intelligent Neglect’. If I was that parent, I would have said to my boy, sort it out and get me a result that I will be happy with. But instead that parent missed a perfect opportunity to teach his son problem solving skills which also help in building resilience.
Unfortunately, in today’s instant world, there is no waiting to be had, no time put aside to ponder and reflect. It’s all driven by what I want now, not in five minutes and we are all at fault. The internet was slow the other day and I got impatient. On reflection the slowness of the internet was lightning speed compared to the internet 6 years ago but instead of instant download it took a ridiculous 3 seconds longer! …. Where’s that NBN when you need it!
There are always going to be times when, as parents, you need to step in. Depending on the situation, it may be earlier rather than later, but we all need to slow down and ask ourselves, is this an opportunity for little Johnny to have one of those learning experiences that may help with his ongoing development. Is this a time to try Intelligent Neglect?
