Emotional development and talking about feelings

Just like adults, children and young people experience many feelings and emotions. Feelings can present in different shapes and sizes with varying levels of frequency, intensity, and duration. Some emotions may feel big, uncomfortable, and overwhelming while others may feel quiet, slow, or grounding.

It is normal for children and young people to move between different emotions as they navigate their way through life.

Feelings are fluid and constantly change in response to different experiences and stressors. Feelings and emotions serve important functions; they help us make sense of the world around us and tell us when things are going well or not so well.

You may have noticed your daughter shift along this continuum of feelings and experience emotions such as happiness, joy, and excitement, embarrassment, guilt, sadness, anger, worry and stress. These are normal feelings we all experience at some stage in our life.

As your daughter grows and navigates their way through school, their ability to understand and manage emotions will also strengthen. It is important to consider the age of your child as a wide range of emotions and behaviours are expected at different developmental stages (Be You, 2021). It is also important to understand young people identify, experience, and manage feelings differently. Some children may be able to identify how they feel with ease. While others may find it more challenging and may communicate their needs in other ways such as through their behaviour or body language. Emotional development is an individual process that will look differently for each child, even if they are in the same family!

There are many factors that affect the emotional development of young people. This includes puberty, brain and cognitive growth, changes in sleep patterns, fatigue, changes in their thinking, development of identity, understanding their place in the world and sense of belonging and developing independence skills. It is important to understand the context of the emotion your daughter is experiencing. It can be helpful to consider, “What is going on in my daughter’s life?”. Strong emotional reactions and responses are normal when young people face difficult circumstances. It is also important to acknowledge the young person’s cultural background and how this may influence their ability to talk about feelings and emotions.

As a parent or carer, you play an important role in your daughter’s emotional development. Children develop emotional skills through their social interactions and relationships with significant people in their lives including family, parents, and carers.

Kids Helpline (2021) indicates children who learn healthy ways to express and cope with their feelings are more likely to:

Develop empathy and be supportive of others.
Develop resilience and coping skills.
Develop a positive sense of self and self-confidence.
Improve school engagement and connectedness.
Develop positive, respectful, and stable relationships.
Have good mental health and wellbeing.
Display fewer behavioural problems.

There are a number of ways you can support your daughter to talk about feelings and emotions. Here are some helpful suggestions:

Notice the emotion: Feelings and emotions can be challenging to identify. Try noticing the emotion by observing changes in body language, mood, presentation and monitoring their behaviour.
Behind every behaviour is a feeling: What need is your child trying to fulfil? Try to understand the feeling and meaning behind the behaviour you can see.
Provide a safe and supportive space: If you notice your daughter is experiencing an uncomfortable or big feeling, reach out to them and name this. Let them know you care about them and are available to support them.
Clarification: Clarify how your child might be feeling by asking open questions. For example, “It looks like you are going through a hard time, do you want to talk about what is going on?” or “What do you want to do with this feeling?”
Listen: Support your daughter to identify and express their emotions so they feel heard. Active listening allows your child to know right now, you are the most important thing to me, and I am here with you (Raising Children, 2020).
Label the emotion: Support your daughter name how they are feeling by being open, curious, and reflecting what you can notice. You could ask “I’m wondering if you’re feeling a bit sad or upset?”. Putting feelings into words supports the emotional identification, self-awareness, and emotional literacy of young people.
Locate the emotion in the body: Exploring where your daughter experiences the emotion in their body helps develop emotional awareness. It also strengthens the mind-body connection.
Acknowledge and validate how they are feeling: Acknowledging feelings is an effective way to show understanding, support, and care. Remind your daughter it is ok to feel like this, these are normal feelings we all experience, and I am here for you.
Sit with the feeling: Resist the urge to fix what is happening for your child. Instead try to sit with the feeling and hold space for your daughter by being open, empathetic, and non-judgemental. Responding to your daughter’s emotions with understanding and acceptance fosters strong and positive connections.
Be a role model: Children take cues from adults in their life about how to respond and react. Show your daughter how you deal with uncomfortable or big emotions.
It is ok to talk about feelings: Praise your daughter for sharing with you, remind them it is ok to talk with you about how they are feeling.
Recognise, manage, and understand your own feelings: Talking about emotions can bring up different responses for us all. It is important to recognise your own feelings and to access the support you may need while supporting your daughter.

Talking with your daughter about feelings and emotions can be challenging, and that is ok. There is no script to follow and mistakes might be made, we are all human! Open communication lets your daughter know; I am here for you, I care about you, you are important to me and you do not have to go through this on your own. Looking for opportunities to speak with your daughter and acknowledging how they feel is a great place to start.

Olivia Matthews
SCEGGS Darlinghurst Counsellor