From the College Counsellor

Validation can be defined as the recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings and opinions are valid or worthwhile (Oxfordlanguages.com). In other words, by validating your daughter you are communicating that what they are thinking and feeling makes sense in their current environment. This may sound so simple, yet it is one of the most challenging skills for parents to master.

One of the most difficult things for parents is to watch their daughter experience intense distress. It is common for parents to respond by going into problem solving mode, which encourages teens to not feel the emotion or ignore the emotion completely. By going into problem solving mode, we are communicating to our daughters that we cannot handle the distress as we have not made them feel heard. It is important to note that validation is not giving into your daughter or giving them what they want, it is acknowledging where your daughter is coming from without necessarily agreeing with their opinions or behaviour. For example, your daughter may be angry as she believes that she should be entitled to unlimited technology use and you are trying to set reasonable limits on the usage. The parent may not agree with their daughter’s belief of unlimited access, but they can understand how frustrating it can be to not have something that they want.

So how do parents validate their daughters?

1. Listen

Sometimes all you need to do is listen and not say anything. By listening intensively, you are communicating non-verbal cues that you are interested and focused on what is being said without being distracted. Be mindful of your body language and what that may communicate to your daughter.

2. Reflect and summarise

While your daughter is talking, observe what emotion you think they are feeling. It is important to let your daughter know that the emotions that they are feeling make sense. E.g., “I can completely understand that you must be feeling shocked and disappointed”.

3. Tolerate their feelings

Resist the urge to come in and fix how they are feeling and simply be there in their distress with them. Resist the urge to say “it’s going to be ok”. Know that the emotion will pass and it will not be felt this intensely forever. By showing your daughter that you can tolerate their distress without going into problem solving mode they will be more likely to come to you for help in future incidents. (Manhattanpsychologygroup.com)

Validation is a very useful tool in building trust with your daughters and encouraging more open communication. Try validating your teen in less stressful situations to begin with and practice sitting with the emotion. Validation is key to teaching girls how to regulate their emotions and improve their self-esteem.

If you wish to discuss the above or have any concerns about your young person please feel free to contact the College Counsellor, Monica Rogenmoser via monica.rogenmoser@syd.catholic.edu.au or ph: 0435 659 694

 

This article on College life meets The Archbishop’s Charter for Catholic Schools – Charter #2, #6 & #8