Fortian Magazine 2023 – Student Works - 24 Jan 2024
Year 9 English Enrichment

Year 9 English Enrichment

A short fiction based on Agatha Christie’s 11 day disappearance from the 3rd of December 1926 to the 14th of December 1926.
3rd of December 1926

Dear Archie,

I hope you are enjoying your time with Miss Nancy Neele, while your daughter sleeps unaware of your infidelity. I write to you burdened by your decision to indulge yourself in this extramarital liaison. How are you not poisoned with guilt that you have frittered away twelve years of faithfulness and betrayed Rosalind’s trust?

I dare you to consider the vows we exchanged on Christmas Eve in 1914. The way you stared into my eyes and proclaimed ‘I do’. I can no longer bear to look at you. A face once so familiar, the Archie I used to know, now so cold and condescending with a permanent caricature of a frown.

‘Till death do us part,’ I presume our parting will occur long before either of us should die.

The wedding ring, like all the promises you made, is worthless. Our relationship is irreparable.

Undoubtedly, this lurid affair with your secretary will be exposed by the newspapers. I hope so. The truth must be revealed. Surely as a colonel you understand the meaning of integrity. Why then did you abandon it and compromise mine?

I grant myself both the space and respect I deserve.

Yours,
Agatha

She quivered as she held her handkerchief in her fist and asked the maid to send it in the morning. As the maid took the letter, she added that she would not return that evening.

The maid nodded once again before resuming her housework. Agatha placed her green velour hat on her head, the curls of her shingled hair now hidden. She tightened the belt of her coat and wrapped herself in her favourite woollen cape. It was winter in the village of Sunningdale in Berkshire, England and in this southeastern region winter was invariably harsh. Agatha gripped her attaché, and kissed her daughter goodnight. It would be eleven days until she would see her again.

All this time, she had been struck with Cupid’s gold tipped arrow, and she had worn rose tinted glasses throughout her time with Archie. She was living in a utopia, a place promised of eternal love and happiness which was torn apart within a single night. When the news of her husband’s infidelity came to light, she felt Cupid’s blunt lead arrow pierce her heart. The poison from the lead had leached into her world, it tainted all the blissful memories of her time with Archie before whisking them into a place far out of her reach. The arrow in her heart instilled a sense of urgency to escape, the urgency would continue to cling to her for the
remainder of the night.

The doors closed behind her. Agatha’s grip loosened around her suitcase as she let out a deep exhalation. She watched as her breath drifted in the cold night like a plume of smoke. How she wished she could move effortlessly like smoke, yet remain alluring but unattainable to those who saw her.

In the forefront of her mind was her daughter Rosalind. She would dearly miss evenings with her daughter; however, she could not bear another moment in a house overflowing with memories, where happiness, sadness and anger were now intertwined.

Agatha’s green Morris Cowley was transformed into a pitch black as it was shrouded by darkness. This was her getaway car, her escape from the havoc which had been imposed upon her. She opened the car door and placed her belongings on the seat beside her. Agatha gripped the steering wheel as she rested her head on the steering wheel.

What do I do now? she asked herself, her eyes clamped shut.

The road was infinite; she could travel to Ascot, Lyne, Windlesham and even Englefield Green, yet she felt restricted. There were only so many places she could hide away before she had to return to her depressing life and confront the issues at hand. Only so many places before she would have to meet and reconcile resolve with Archie, who would merely deflect the situation and treat her as though she was the one who committed an affair. Agatha placed her seat to her side and rested her head on the steering wheel as she cycled through a montage of possible scenarios, all which were against her favour.

Agatha embraced the quietness and tranquillity of the night. She wished she could simply fade along with the darkness and adapt to disruptances with ease. However, the night reminded her of her loneliness, her bleak future of abandonment with Rosalind. Agatha turned the key in the ignition. She yearned to escape the flurry of emotions ricocheting through her mind.

***

A green car overturned on the edge of a chalk pit, what use was it now? Agatha pondered as she stared at the mess she had made once again. Misfortune seemed to have encroached on her since the news of Archie’s affair. It had been looming overhead like a halo, capitalising on her insecurities and waiting for her to make a single mistake. Agatha was taken aback, she could not even drive for a few miles without it being disastrous, how would she continue to live her life in this state of mind? Perhaps she would not have been in total despair if she had chosen not to dance with the devil disguised as Archie, a charming young aviator on their first encounter in 1912. Agatha became colder and made the ultimate decision to abandon the car, she would not waste any more time weighing her limited options.

Agatha pondered what would be open at this ungodly hour. Perhaps an inn or a stay at a motel would suit her for a night or two. No. She decided she deserved a place more luxurious as she battled against her inner demons terrorising her. She would be everything she wasn’t when she was with Archie. She would dance to her heart’s content, be as free as she was in her youth, and live as effervescently as possible – even if only for a few days.

***

Many people believed Agatha’s disappearance was an orchestrated ploy to have Christie’s novels reach new fames. But those people would be unknown to the struggles she had as she waited to be taken from King’s Cross to the Harrogate Hydro. For years, she had believed that love looked like Archie, the loving eyes and the late-night conversations all a facade, crushing what she thought she knew about love. Maybe if she had thought about this an hour earlier, she would be sobbing into her crumpled handkerchief. But at this hour, her tears had run dry, her feelings of sadness swelled into hatred.

The winter light faded as she saw the exterior of the Harrogate Hydro. The beacon of light which would whisk her away from life – temporarily, sadly, not forever. It was not as extravagant as other hotels and spas, but it would suffice, for she was growing weary. Agatha opened the door as she lugged her troubles with her.

“Ma’am, your name, please, for the room.” The man glared at her as Agatha fiddled with the belt on her coat.

She admired the anonymity that hotels and spas allowed, the way you would be able to create a character which represents precisely how you feel. The emotions engulfing her? A sadness fuelled by a sense of inferiority.

“Mrs Neele. Mrs Teresa Neele.” Agatha muttered as she thought in disbelief: Why would I choose that for my alias. Why would I give myself her name?

The young secretary she had often passed whom she never seemed to care to wave ‘Good
morning’, who had been a background actor in her life with Archie until she stole the
limelight.

“First time in Harrogate?” The man bluntly questioned as he scrawled down her ‘name’.
“Yes, I recently came from South Africa.” Agatha blurted, her nervousness now taking full control of her.

“Did you come with no luggage?”
“Yes, I left my luggage with my friends.”
“First floor, down the hallway right on your right, can’t miss it.”

Agatha took the key and made her way towards her room as she was overcome with unease.

***

Mr W. Taylor watched the woman race to her room. As the Harrogate Hydro’s manager, he was able to peer into a moment of someone’s life, . Whether it be the joyful family stay or a night out in the town. But this stay felt eerie. A woman arriving at an unusual hour alone, who had no trouble handing over seven guineas for a room for a week; even a room fitted with hot and cold water and was clearly in a distressed state, despite her efforts to conceal it beneath a mask. I’ll be keeping a close eye on you, Mrs Teresa Neele, he mentally noted as he proceeded to complete his tasks around the establishment.

***

Despite being younger than most of the chambermaids, Rosie Asher was used to the demanding orders from the guests. She had was adjusted to the endless cycles of taking breakfast up to guests each morning before whisking empty plates away, but Mrs Neele captured her attention. It was not common to see someone during their stay borrow numerous books from the library on Parliament Street. Rosie did not have much knowledge of books, but when asking the WH Smith librarian, they had told Rosie that this particular guest had a taste for sensation and mystery, straying far from the popular books of the time. Perchance Mrs Neele would be a character to watch on, for she was much more interesting than the sophisticated ladies who would be ever so demanding in the duration of their stay.

Rosie noticed that her guest seemed to have brought practically nothing with her on her stay. This was evident with Mrs Neele’s extensive shopping spree, continuing long after her time in town, with packages being delivered to her room. The packages which she brought to Mrs Neele ranged from hats, coats and evening shoes to more miscellaneous items such as pencils and fruits. Mrs Neele had justified her spree with the fact that her luggage had been left with ‘friends’. Rosie was taken aback by how she spent money at ease which she had only seen with the baronesses and duchesses who would occasionally stay. Quite evidently to Rosie, Mrs Neele was neither, but she had a similar air of importance.

***

Tonight would be the first night, a new chapter in Agatha’s life. Agatha was unaware that Archie’s presence had waned in her mind, to the extent that he was simply a blurred figure of her past life. She always admired the limitless bounds of experiences which would be able to be contained in a mere page.

How do I introduce myself? Do I insert myself into a conversation? What if they think I am not good enough?

Agatha pondered these questions as she fiddled with the tag on the end of her evening dress. The evening’s events were akin to those to when she had first met Archie, except she was now 14 years older and marred from her past experiences. Instead of a local dance, it would be an evening consisting of a plethora of activities such as billiards and singing. Instead of love she would be looking to reinvent herself, to put fresh ink on a blank page. Perhaps the night would unfold exactly as she wanted to, perhaps it would be a catastrophe, but whatever was to happen, she knew that she had already been through worse experiences.

Agatha sauntered into the dining room, wearing a new evening dress covered by her silver brocade shawl. She had been so fixated on her first impression amongst the guests she had forgotten to remove the price, 75 shillings, pinned to her shawl.

“Is that all you’re worth?” A man howled, his voice capturing the attention of the guests in the dining room.

“I think I am worth more than that.” Agatha bantered as she seamlessly removed the tag in a swift motion.

Her repartee earnt her acknowledgement from fellow guests as many cheered and whistled as she made her way to her seat. Agatha clasped the tag. Others may find it absurd for a grown woman to be transfixed by a mere slip of paper, but to her it was a symbol of her victory, her success at starting anew. Agatha was grateful to be embraced by guests who made the effort to start a conversation with her, thus she was able to gain a few friends.

Laughter floated in the air as the guests moved from different activities at the direction of Miss Corbett, the entertainment hostess of the Harrogate Hydro, or as many of the guests referred to it as, ‘The Hydro’. Agatha was immersed in the relaxed and upbeat atmosphere at the Hydro. She did not have to exist under the guise that she was a brilliant billiard player, when she was oblivious as to how to hold the cue. Nor did she have to sing quietly, she would sing proudly, despite her tune being slightly off.

Under the facade of Mrs Teresa Neele, Agatha was able to exist freely. She boasted to the world her vulnerabilities, and was able to do as she pleased. The highlight of her night was dancing the Charleston. Agatha was aware that she was not the most competent dancer, but she felt as if she were. She had swung her arms frenetically as her feet attempted to keep up with the upbeat jazz tempo. Agatha yearned to live like she danced, to simply be able to change and sway with the always shifting rhythm of life.

When Agatha returned to her room, she was brimming with exhilaration. If asked last week, she would be unable to fathom herself enjoying a delightful evening with a room full of strangers. The ink on the first chapter of her new life was drying, and as she reminisced, she felt bittersweet. She was letting go of her past self, whilst grasping on to the person she wanted to be.

***

Agatha experienced mental distress at the Hydro. Upon reading the headlines regarding Agatha Christie’s disappearance, she would grimace and press her hand to her forehead. To her, there was something familiar about the lady plastered on the front pages of the London newspaper. However, she could not remember, no matter how hard she tried, she was chasing wisps of smoke which would disappear the moment she reached for them. Throughout the nine days Agatha had been at the Hydro, she had been able to eventually ease herself of her spontaneous worries. She continued to indulge in her stay at the Hydro, which like all things in life, would come to an inevitable end.

The eight evenings following her first night at the Hydro were similar. Agatha continued to embrace her newfound confidence and would often fraternise with guests. She had been able to showcase her true personality as she would engage in billiards, singing and dancing. Each morning, Agatha would reflect on the prior night’s events. She felt content as the memories filled her heart, but unbeknown to her, each night could be her last before she had to return to her life.

Two men grew sceptical about Mrs Neele’s true identity. They both worked at the Hydro, and had suspicions that Mrs Neele was in fact Mrs Christie. So, the men approached the Harrogate police station on the 12th of December, a Sunday evening to report their suspicions. This would mark the end of Agatha’s time at the Hydro as, in a mere two days, she would be faced with Archie.

***

Agatha was exhausted from another evening of endless dancing and singing. She cupped her hands around her teacup and embraced the emanating heat as she scanned the London newspaper. The articles for the 14th of December were indecipherable, thus she held the paper closer to her face in an attempt to read the small text. Across from her, Archie Christie sat, waiting for Agatha to notice him. Agatha could feel a stare penetrating through her paper, she lowered the paper and met the man’s glare.

“How long have you been here?”
“Ten, maybe eleven days.” Agatha replied, startled by the question.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Agatha failed to recognise her husband, however the commanding and belittling tone felt familiar. Familiar as if it was a voice calling her from a past life, beckoning for her to return. She placed her teacup onto her saucer as she returned the stony stare towards the man across from her.

“And who may you be?”
“It’s me, Archie. This is not like you, it is so out of character for you, why would you
disappear?”
“Archie?”

She remained oblivious to the identity of her husband, her mind was engulfed in confusion.
Who is this man? Why is he oddly familiar? Am I supposed to remember him?

She sipped her tea, trying to shake off the deep uneasiness of this conversation. Perhaps she knew Archie, perhaps she did not. If she had known him, her mind had decided to erase him for a reason. Agatha was certain that he did not know her, maybe on a surface level he had, but that did not matter.
He does not know me, I do not know him and I am positive I am the only one who knows myself.

And she placed her teacup down with a definitive clink.

Year 9 English Enrichment

Year 9 English Enrichment

At the end of a pristine white hall, there was a seat. Atop this ornate throne of marble and intricate carvings sat a god: the Maintainer of the world.

The Maintainer remained eternally on this seat from the moment of inauguration, only withdrawing when the time came to fully fuse with the throne and all its predecessors, who had become one. This god lost all of its humanity, the result of chaos lending its power to the Maintainer, who upheld the fragile facade called perfection.

The current Maintainer sat upon its seat, watching over the world below. However, this only served as a distraction from its immediate surroundings, serving as the opportunity for a god to attempt to steal the coveted throne. However, a slashed throat does not kill instantly – leaving enough time for another’s neck to be torn and twisted. Thus, the life was drawn out of the two gods, leaving glistening liquid ruby to form rivers in jagged valleys of stone.

The air, which had been warmed by the breaths of the two gods, cooled. Silence hung like a shroud over the hall, a stark contrast to the sudden action that had ended as soon as it came.

A third deity approached the hall, the sight bringing her to her knees. Red stains spread across her hands and face, smudged by her tears. As she rose to her feet, preparing to alert the other gods to the tragedy, the sound of approaching footsteps echoed throughout the hall.

“You killed them.” A voice came, filled with disbelief.

The Goddess of Space whipped around, her blood-splattered face displayed for all to see. “Forest? Oh, thank goodness! I don’t know what happened but Divinity and the Maintainer-” Her eyes widened with realisation. “No – no, their endings were of each other, not I!”

You killed them.” The Nature Goddess’ voice was now laced with venom, and she stared at the other goddess. “Cosmos.”

“Forest, please! I only came across them just now!” Cosmos pleaded. “I – believe me, I swear!”

Forest laughed bitterly, horror giving way to disgust. “And why should I believe you? You’ve always been willing to do anything for power. What happened to Horatio was bad enough – but now you kill two gods!”

Cosmos recoiled, the harsh memories of her offence vivid. Before she had crippled him, Horatio was a separate entity who possessed the title of Timekeeper. Cosmos had fought him in order to gain the other half of her power, which had been divided between her and him – space and time. However, if she had not been the one to attack first, then Horatio would have. Ultimately, the conflict had led to Horatio’s paralysis, his mind irreparable.

“That is a separate matter, and you should have known the circumstances we were under better than anyone else! Please, just listen to-”

“What- what is this? Cosmos?” A weak voice interrupted her rebuke. Each word trembled, , straining to reach the goddesses.

Cosmos’s eyes shifted, finding the source. The God of Beasts, having been drawn by the commotion, stared back.

“Life?” Cosmos realised how the situation must have looked to her brother, her standing in a pool of the blood that flowed from the two corpses behind her. “Please, I can explain-”

“You would do well not to listen to her lies,” Forest said. “Cosmos: If you do not yield, I must call the Abyss.”

“Yield? So you hasten yourself to judge, and do not care to listen to what I have to say?” Cosmos’ mind stormed, her rage just barely contained. Sister, how I have misplaced trust and affection by giving it to you! All this fairness and justice that you speak of whenever the mortal world is brought up; oh, all these lies! Is it that gods do not deserve the same justice, or only me?

It seemed Forest had made up her mind before Cosmos had provided an answer, for shadows had already begun to gather at her fingertips. The darkness snaked around them, twisting into wavering coils. They then began to drift downwards, pooling some distance from the blood that bore a similar shade.

“Well, this is an issue,” a voice resonated from the rising shadows, which soon hardened into a tangible body. “No need to explain, I know what you wish for me to do. I’ll ask about the matter with their souls, although I’m not entirely sure what state his soul will be in.” The Abyss gestured towards the mangled body of Divinity.

“Thank you, Dark Angel. I know you prefer to stay out of the matters involving the gods, so you going out of your way to aid us in judgement is deeply appreciated –”

“Stop. Are you afraid that my crows will come to claim you if you offend me?” Abyss scoffed. “I truly do not care. Although I have to say, I was quite shocked when the Wisps alerted me that the Maintainer had left this world and entered my domain.”

“Thank you, again,” Forest said. “Cosmos, are you satisfied? The Abyss will be the judge of this matter, so that the result is impartial.”

Cosmos did not reply, only becoming lost in her thoughts of ridicule once more. How could I be satisfied? It’s all very well that once Abyss questions the souls, my name will be cleared, but satisfied? If you do not care to hear me out, if I cannot be innocent without the ultimate judge taking action – then any form of joy is out of the question.

“Cosmos! Answer me, are you satisfied-”
A blur, the flash of a weapon being drawn, then the sound of flesh tearing.

Forest turned, her eyes landing upon a thin gash along her arm, blood trickling from her wound to join the blood already on the floor.

Listen to me. That is something you can do.

Forest looked behind her, drawn to the glimmer of a silver blade held by Cosmos, its edge coated with blood. Cosmos glared back, her eyes betraying traces of insanity.

“Listen to me!” The rage that had compounded within Cosmos now burst forth, like a dam giving way to a river. The words came fast, uncontrollable, each consonant piercing. “Imagine being in my position! Imagine yourself coming to speak with the Maintainer, only to find their cold body beside the mangled one of your brother! Divinity may not be your direct relation, but he is mine; try tasting the blood at our feet, I dare you! You will find not only blood, but my tears. Now imagine your sister coming in and immediately accusing you of murder, her judgement based only on a matter from a past long gone! Besides, how could I be even remotely capable of committing such a sin? I have barely half of the power Divinity had, let alone enough to slaughter both him and the Maintainer. Ignorance, idiocy, stupidity, you are as good as a mute preacher! I can only try in vain to get you to listen to me, for you to not be so quick to come to a conclusion!”

“I – what –”

Cosmos interrupted Forest’s attempt at a reply. “You know, sister, those ideals of justice and fairness that you speak so fondly of? Every time that the mortal world is brought to conversation, you somehow find a way to sneak these words in: We gods are so privileged, how can we leave those affected by time alone? Shouldn’t we aid them, provide them with the justice they deserve? But answer my question now; what justice do you speak of? It seems nonexistent when it comes to matters involving me. Never mind that, but shouldn’t the defendant at least be allowed a voice, a word, a chance to defend themself? Apparently not!”

Now Forest was silent, unable to find her words.

“Yes, you see! But you will never understand!” Cosmos leaned towards Forest, their faces separated by only a hair’s breadth. “Look into my eyes, try! But you cannot; you take a glance then cringe away! What is it, why do I affect you in such a way, so much!”

Cosmos caught Forest again, this time their eyes locking. The effort showed in Forest’s face, the strain to keep her eyes focused and not to shy away from her sister’s murderous gaze.

Life watched from the side, the tension like a net trapping him in place. The pressure of the two goddess’s conflict was intense, enough that he could only just withstand it. He wondered at how these beings could produce such a feeling. It was evident that although he held a similar title to them, he would never reach their level of power.

~~~

Abyss stood calmly, some distance away from the fighting.

I can’t believe it – first the Maintainer and Divinity, and now Cosmos and Forest. How are so many gods falling to the void so quickly? It’s truly wonderful.

“Stop being a bother,” She muttered, her words directed to the Wisps, her servants of darkness, who had come to watch the scene from the safety of her shadow. “The battle will conclude soon.”

~~~

“So you finally look at me. You had better take a good look, because you’re not going to get another!” Cosmos spun, her leg flying out in a sudden roundhouse kick. Forest was thrown backwards, colliding with a marble pillar.

Tch. Thankfully she isn’t going all out, or I would have crumbled along with that pillar. Forest thought as she stood back up, using the rubble to support her shaking legs.

Cosmos leapt forward, aiming for her face, but Forest managed to dodge. She threw her own fist, imbued with as much force as possible, and now Cosmos was sent backwards.

If I can just get a few more punches in, then I might be able to get out of this…!

Her opponent was already back up, albeit affected by the blow. Forest took advantage of this, and managed to send Cosmos into another pillar. As she approached her wounded sister, she heard a light chuckle.

“Do you really think this is enough?” Cosmos rose again, her face shrouded. “I’d suggest you withdraw.”

“No, because you began this fight and I intend to finish it! So, if you cannot understand, I’d suggest you-”

Then there was white.

Behind Cosmos, six sapphire wings unfolded, each scattered with stars and dipped in moonlight. Her eyes now displayed not even the slightest hint of reason, only hostility and madness.

She bared her teeth, each glistening like a dagger. Her blade was now unsheathed, the hand holding it white from her grip. Cosmos took a step, then another, her actions mirrored by Forest. As she approached, her sister backed away.

As Forest was taking another step to match Cosmos, she saw a blur as her opponent lunged, the silver knife thrusting towards her. It connected, and the floor broke beneath her, dust swirling around them.

~~~

The dust cleared, and Life stared in horror.

The knife had connected, pierced, and gone straight through. Along with Cosmos’ arm.

Cosmos had punched a hole through Forest.

~~~

Abyss had returned to her world of void. It was a comfortable place, living in her teapot-shaped home. She sat on a cushioned stool, watching the scene unfold from her scrying mirror.

She watched as Cosmos left Forest’s body to bleed out into the cracks left by her attack. She watched as the goddess turned, now insane, to the only other person in the hall. She watched as Life met the same fate as Forest, and as Cosmos fell from her own wounds inflicted by the two she had killed. Then, when all had become still, save for the slow drift of liquid ruby, she rose and headed to the void’s main court.

“Escort all souls, other than those of the gods, from the main court to the residential areas.”

As she entered the court, she was met by the sight of the now-dead gods, each appearing exactly how they did when they died. The Maintainer stood with a split throat, Divinity with his neck crushed, head twisted the wrong way, and limbs bent at unnatural angles. Forest with a hole right through her torso, Life with part of his head crushed in, and Cosmos, bearing several deep cuts around her waist and face.

“Wow. I never would have thought that all the gods would die on the same day. I knew that you would die to each other, but I could never have expected this.” Abyss said. “Well, I suppose since you’re here now, I’ll leave it to you.”

The court shifted, the shadows contorting and changing close off all entries or exits, leaving only Abyss and the Wisps able to move in and out of the area. Then, Abyss withdrew, leaving the souls to their own devices.

I suppose there’s not much I can do; they’re doomed to fight for eternity regardless of my actions. I might as well give them an arena to fight in.

 

Once, the throne was a seat. It served as a place for the Upholder, the Maintainer of existence. It watched over all and everything, to the finest details. Its shine was only comparable to that of the sun, its white marble a radiant light for its vast hall. It witnessed every event that occurred under the light of the stars and the darkness of the night.

Now, the throne is not a place of power, or an overseer. The once-pristine floors that surround it are stained with crimson. Its shine is blurred by the same shade, and shadows gaze upon the mournful scene that inhabits the marble cavern.

From afar, it seems like an artist had taken the hall for a canvas, painting their artwork in shades of vermillion, carmine and scarlet. The sickening paint drips from the pillars, splashes of colour taking the shape of tears running down the cracked and crumbling stone.

This throne is no longer a seat, left neglected and unused for a century, or perhaps a millennium. However, it shall always be a place of rest.

Because now, it is a grave.

 

Year 10 English Enrichment

Year 10 English Enrichment

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Preface

“Raised Catholic” is the term I use when someone asks if I’m religious. “Culturally Catholic” (a term I made up) is even more useful. It serves two purposes: to distance me from the problematic elements of the Church and Christianity as a whole, but at the same time, to enable me to connect with others who are or have ever been Catholic. In that way, it’s a pre-emptive defence mechanism; the product of some sort of anxiety, probably.

At a time in my life when everything is happening all at once and I am meant to be discovering who I am (or something like that), I have found myself thinking about my experience with religion. Am I agnostic? What happens after death? These questions aren’t new to me. Seven years ago, an inquisitive and probably quite annoying nine-year-old wanted to know why the Pope didn’t reply when she wrote him a letter asking why women couldn’t be priests. And yet – and this puzzles me – despite all the unanswerable questions I have about Catholicism, the existence of the religion still brings me comfort. I still appreciate the beautiful aspects of it, and how it shaped the parts of me that I actually don’t mind.

What follows is both a questioning and an appreciation of my experience with religion. Included also are some observations and the odd bit of research. I’m not trying to prove any point or even reach a conclusion. These are simply the thoughts of a 16-year-old girl.

ϯ

On Ritual

There is something soothing about rituals. Actions repeated over and over, until they are mindless, meditative. Sometimes they have meaning, sometimes they don’t.

Even if a ritual is just form for the sake of form, doesn’t it provide us with a moment of freedom that is above any specific meaning? Whether it’s running a bath or reciting the rosary, it is time, it is space.

Even when you’re in a room packed shoulder-to-shoulder with others, strangers, family and friends, you are not truly there. It is a mental space free from the burden of individuality.

Like many types of worship, Mass is soothing. Many people who have never been to Mass hold a (slightly romanticised) image: orbs of incense swinging like pendulums; the scents of expensive oils and candles wafting up to the dark spaces in the high ceilings of a cathedral; ancient incantations in monotone and hour-long Masses held entirely in Latin; long robes with seasonal colour codes and mysterious meanings, like some kind of indecipherable dead language. Is this image a reflection of the true experience? More of a mystification, a dramatisation stemming from TV and film that is obsessed with the visual and the recognisable. Symbols like crucifixes, statues, and altars are widely recognised yet rarely understood by non-Catholic audiences. To them, Catholic ritual is often seen as mysterious and complex, beyond comprehension. Even some Catholics feel this way.

Are they right? Are the rites of the church beyond any honest, complete understanding? I think they are not. But even if they are, does that matter? Mystery and complexity are fascinating; that is why some people are obsessed with classic film noir or their parents’ relationship or the Amazon. There is always more to know, lurking in the shadows.

For me, however, it is the familiar that draws me in. When I drive past a church on a rainy day and see doors open and candles lit, I feel comfortable and warm and welcome. At Easter Mass every year, I sink back into the mindless intricacies, the muscle memory that also happens to have meaning behind it.

That’s why Mass needs to be either mysterious or familiar to be worth doing; and to achieve either, it needs ritual. Careful, intentional ritual. That’s why when, for centuries, people have gotten up heavy-eyed on a Sunday morning, or Saturday night, or whenever they bothered to get up; when they dressed up in their skirts and suits, shiny black shoes, freshly polished, clean-shaven; when they walked, and later drove – whining kids piled in the back of a car with no air-conditioning – to crumbling old buildings where they sat for an hour, ate some room-temperature finger food (if they were lucky), then left; that is why, when they did not have beauty, they did not understand the meaning behind something so repetitive and mindless. That is why, one day, they didn’t go back. Without something mysterious or familiar to intrigue or console, people cannot take meaning out of ritual.

For this reason, I don’t think Mass is decadent or pretentious or outdated. Neither is a bubble bath or a rosary.

I think ritual, in whatever form you choose, is important.

ϯ

On Confession

I kneel in a small, dark box, like a cupboard. There is just enough room to touch my forehead, then my chest, my left shoulder, and my right. The wide-latticed wooden screen is more a symbol of anonymity than a guarantee; I feel wholly, unbearably seen.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. 

Confessing to a priest is worse than confessing to an entire parish. It feels as though their proximity to God gives them the right to dissect, admonish, and judge the wrong in us. In Christian Roman times, priests held the power of both God and the law; they literally judged. Yet now their position gives them the unique power, the authority, to make a different kind of judgement: to forgive.

Authority is essential to forgiveness – and not just within Catholicism, or religion. It is unspoken: we apologise to the person we hurt, who has the authority, or else we cannot be forgiven. If you were to murder someone, you could apologise to the police, if you really wanted. But they couldn’t forgive you. Only the victim’s family could. So why do we apologise to priests? At reconciliation services, why do we perform a little dance of self-loathing, a public display of penitence? Why not just apologise to the person we hurt, and to God?

Because that is exactly what it is: performative. Self-indulgent. In the same way that advertising your last donation to charity or that crochet blanket you made for your grandma is not exactly from the goodness of your heart. Unless, of course, it is made public to show others in a community that everybody sins sometimes; but doesn’t this simply normalise the exact behaviours the Church (on behalf of God) wants to eliminate? Or perhaps it is strategic; sins can be no one’s secret, because then they are allowed to fester and spread silently. To me, it feels like an odd, self-conscious exhibition of guilt. I think that is why we do confessions the way we do, with the order and script of tradition.

Of course, action is encouraged in conjunction with confession. But then why not just take action? Again, sin becomes part of the public domain. I suppose confession is a chance to name our shame, because naming puts shame in the past tense. It helps you swallow that lump in your throat. Whenever regret is trapped and swimming noisily around in your head, you can release it.

May God give you pardon and peace. 

That is all we want: pardon and peace. Pardon, in the eyes of these robed moral superiors, in the eyes of our neighbours who peek over the fence, in the tired eyes of our parents who stayed up all night worrying, in those strained eyes squinting through the shadows and the latticed screen in the little cramped box, trying to figure out who knows their secrets. Peace, in those sweating palms and beating hearts that fear the light outside the dark cupboard.

Confession is for the confessor; not for God, or the Church, or anyone else. It is like writing in a secret locked journal or making a wish in your head, not out loud, when you blow out the candles on a birthday cake, only with a certain feeling of dread and mortification. It is like going to a friend for validation and reassurance and a trite, but welcome, piece of advice. We confess not for forgiveness, but for self-forgiveness; we yearn to be told that we are indeed the perfect little girl or boy our mothers always said we were. Or our fathers. Or Our Father.

I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.

And so I leave feeling a little better.

ϯ

On Guilt

Anxiety and Catholic guilt are similar conditions. Equally painful, tightening my chest with string and pulling at the loose ends in my brain. Both could be called scrupulousness (or scrupulosity, which it turns out is medically diagnosable).

Another symptom is colourblindness, reducing a world of nuance into black and white. Everything is binary: useful or useless, pure or tainted, saintly or sinful. When a little girl goes searching in the kitchen pantry, for example, the spoonful of Coco Pops she really wants is bad; the sad-looking, soggy celery her mum offers her, however, is good. She categorises everything edible until she can no longer eat a scoop of ice cream without labelling it (and its innocent little consumer) as bad. And so it begins.

Monthly confessions and a particularly pious scripture teacher prompt her to scour her memory for the last thing she did that could possibly be construed as bad. She remembers reaching for the bag of biscotti at the top of her friend’s kitchen cupboard. She engineered a plan to distract her friend’s mother and stack the dining chairs at the perfect angle to reach the bag, then ran to the shed, trailed by three or four cheeky smiles, to devour it in a secret circle of giggles. Then she lied to her parents about the whole thing. So she confesses and is absolved, but now she starts to think maybe there really was something dreadfully sinful about it. About her.

Later, she begins to reach instead for anything about her that is not perfect or praiseworthy and eliminates it. She believes that no matter what she does or how hard she tries she can always do better. This lingering sense of inadequacy rears its ugly head from time to time and spurs her ambition, constantly pushing. People are amazed at her work ethic, her principles – undying, unchanging. She wins praise and admiration. But it stems not from a place of motivation and strength and moral perfection, but from a place of guilt. So whenever she is not doing something to help or impress others, she feels like she is harming them.

From this stems the overapologising. She apologises to the man who stepped on her foot on the train. She apologises to the stairs she tripped on. She apologises to her parents because she is studying rather than doing the dishes, or doing the dishes instead of studying. She feels the need to apologise to everyone she could have possibly hurt or ever-so-slightly inconvenienced or even not impressed. She bites her nails and bounces her knee under the desk because she feels she has upset the teacher and the rest of her class by answering too many questions correctly. And so she doesn’t put her hand up for the rest of primary school, all because of that one time she grabbed the bag of biscotti. She didn’t even get caught with her hand in the cookie jar and she still felt bad about it.

But she has learnt from her mistake, and is always on her guard. She is defensive not only of herself, but of strangers on the street who her mum makes light fun of; or the woman at T2 who, yes, made a mistake and overcharged us $200 on that set of teacups, but really it wasn’t her fault. And again, for unexplainable reasons, she is defensive of her religion. Even when she has decided she doesn’t believe in it, and she knows that certain people within the Church have done terrible things, hearing Catholic Church jokes and comments about reason versus religion makes her squirm. So when this happens, she takes the responsibility and blame (and even the shame) for something she isn’t even a part of. Not fully, at least.

ϯ

On the Implications of Translation and Interpretation

For a text to carry so much meaning and responsibility is dangerous. The Bible has been mistranslated, misunderstood, and misused since its inception, intentionally or not. These tangled threads have been woven into the enduring fabric of society: our values, our beliefs, our stories, our understanding of history and truth and God that hem us in forever. Words contain everything. That is why the translation and interpretation of texts – from the code of Hammurabi to Athenian forum shopping lists – is so important. At least in Western, Christian-derived culture, our understanding of the Bible has hemmed us in, with grave consequences.

Take the words we use for Hell, for example. Gehenna, Sheol, Tartarus, Hades. All words used in the Bible that we (at least in English) take as one and the same. All separate places and times.

Gehenna is actually the Valley of Hinnom in the east of Jerusalem. Sheol is a grave for the spirits, a dark and dusty land of exile. It is directly translated as “The Enemy’s Bunker”, and like most depictions of hell is overseen by the Devil, but it is ultimately ruled by God. The Tartarus of Greek mythology is the underworldly prison of the gods; but in the Bible, it is where 200 watchers (angels) are chained in endless darkness. Hades, also Greek, is both a subterranean place for departed souls – a purgatory – and a place of torment for the wicked after death. None of these are the fiery furnace of horned demons and torture my (very intense) scripture teacher described to me one day in Year 3; you may think she was simply an especially zealous, perhaps bitter outlier, but many of my friends recall similar threatening images waved at them lest they do something wrong. The modern, Western idea of Hell stems mainly from Gehenna, the valley outside the city walls of Jerusalem where rubbish was burned and lepers and exiles cried and ground their teeth in pain. These are the flames and weeping and gnashing of my terrified childish imagination: an ancient incinerator surrounded by sad, sick,
lonely people.

One of Christianity’s biggest obsessions is policing sex and gender. 500 years ago, the Tumucua people of what is now Florida translated the Bible from Spanish, and in the process, managed to remove all gender constructs and negative connotations, as well as using explicit (rather than euphemistic) language around sex. They seemingly had no problems sharing a religion with the deeply religious conquistadors as a result. In the Tumucua version of Genesis, Eve eats the apple the snake gives her because she wants the power, the knowledge of Good and Evil, rather than handing it to Adam. Another passage suggests not having sex with another person’s spouse, rather than not walking with another man’s wife – if  English translations of the Bible were this precise and explicit, the language almost legislative, then perhaps modern Christianity wouldn’t be as fraught and hypocritical and divided as it is.

Another infamous example: homosexuality. In the Bible: malakoiarsenokoitai, or in some translations, knabenschander.

Interestingly, malakoi comes from the Greek word malakos, meaning soft. As in English, it had multiple meanings; one of which was ‘effeminate’, which in a patriarchal society informed by the story of Adam and Eve meant being weak and easily tempted. It could have meant the vain, the lazy, the cowardly; and in some cases, especially in Roman translations, it implied male prostitutes. It did not mean homosexual men, men who had sex with men simply because they wanted to, not for money.

Arsekonotai is first used in Paul’s letter in First Corinthians, in which he lists those not welcome in God’s kingdom; it is rarely used afterwards, and is often only used when quoting the letter itself. Arseno in Greek means male, and koites means bed – male-bedder. While it is easy to assume this refers to homosexuality, cupboards do not always contain cups, a dragonfly is not a dragon, nor is a chairman a man upholstered; words are not always literal. In the case of arsekonotai, the word male – as opposed to man – is particularly important. Pederasty (sex with boys, male slaves, and prostitutes) was common in Ancient Greece when the Bible was translated, so Paul could have been condemning pederasty. Another commonly used word at the time was paidophthoreseis, which means corrupting children; it is found in a number of texts between the second and fourth centuries among lists of immoral actions, including adultery and prostitution, both of which were associated with pederasty and paedophilia. Thus, arsekonotai may not mean male-bedder, not homosexual, but paedophile. That is what the Bible condemns.

Knabenschander literally means boy molester. The original Lutheran Bible contained the word knabenschander in place of words like malakos and arsekonotai, such as in Leviticus and Corinthians. The word homosexual didn’t enter the bible until the Revised Standard Version, published in 1952. The German translation of the Bible remained using knabenschander until 1983 when the American company Biblica paid the publishers to use the word homosexual instead of knabenschander.

This deliberate mistranslation of the Bible is the perfect example of how religious texts can be weaponised. When you consider that much of the Bible was written in a time when non-procreative sexual activity meant birth rates decreased, populations shrank, and thus economic and military resources dwindled, it becomes clear that the Bible condemned these acts because, at the time, they threatened the survival of the human race. Given that Earth’s population has now surpassed 8 billion, “unproductive” sex is quite possibly the last thing most Christian humanitarians and missionaries (at least) are concerned about. Thus, even if the Bible was homophobic at the time, we have no reason to maintain this fear of “unproductive” sex, as much of the Church and other Christians continue to do. However, the confused translations of words like  malakoi and arsekonotai and even knabenschander have justified this fear and the violence, hatred, and unthinking prejudice that follow.

Translations have the power to change lives. I hear of friends of friends who rock back and forth, crumpled up like a piece of paper, at the thought of eternal damnation in the fiery depths of a Hell that does not exist; at least not convincingly. One word in one book could convince these people otherwise. I read grim, block-lettered headlines of violent, brutal homophobia, of unearthed reports of child abuse at the hands of the Church. These people could have been protected rather than condemned and silenced if it weren’t for a monk’s careless, candle-lit, mead-fuelled mistranslation of a word in a manuscript 1,000 years ago.

And so these threads remain tangled in the fabric of our society: our stories, our understanding of relationships and power and the afterlife. These threads have hemmed us in. And now, to our demise, they cannot be picked out.

ϯ

On Womanhood

My mother said to me: women in countries like Spain are worshipped, but not often respected. They are idolised like those statues of the Madonna you can buy in dollar stores, but they are just as easily shattered and replaced. They are belittled and used, but the next day they are celebrated and held and kissed all over. They are the scum of the earth, they are everything that’s wrong with society these days, but they are also the world, what would we do without them?!, all at the same time. That’s a pretty confusing thing to be.

From where do we get our notion of womanhood – by which, so often, we really mean motherhood? Is it some deep, primitive corner of our brains, etched in by eons of evolution? Why is it that the same images and categories and perceptions of women appear time and time again in our history? Did the Bible create these “types” of women?

The pages of the Bible contain the blueprints of womanhood, the types of women we can be. We must choose our persona, our image, from the very beginning. We are asked:

Are you a Mary of Nazareth, or a Mary Magdalene?

Are you the Whore of Babylon? 
(Mystery, Babylon the Great, the Mother of Harlots and Abominations of the Earth, who wore purple and scarlet and gold and pearls and carried a cup full of her sins and drank the blood of saints).

Perhaps you are a Sarah?
(A Matriarch, barren but miraculously birthing a child at 90, who obeys and submits to her husband’s every wish and is celebrated for it.)

No? Perhaps Ruth or Naomi?
(Are you a loving mother or a caring daughter? Do you devote your life and sacrifice your own interests time and time again, selfless, without question, always in the service of others, Amen? Or not?)

Or do you think you’re an Esther?
(You are pure and demure, a gift from god, a quiet achiever who humbly takes on whatever task you are given.)

Rebecca?
(Cunning, ambitious, a career woman. You’re just not family-oriented. You look out for yourself before anyone else. You take what you can get. You’re motivated by money and success rather than love or family. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

Mary and Martha?
(Women are all bitchy and hate each other and want to tear each other down. They compete for men’s attention, praise, love, only consoling themselves with the belief that men are shallow, women are where the real friendship lies. But only lonely, unloved women say that.)

Eve?
(Derivative of Adam)

ϯ

On Motherhood

Blood soaks, stains, drips, coats. Hands scrub, wring, shake, repeat. Brows furrow and form fault lines, cracks in the clay of the face. The earth envelops the seedling – it protects, it nurtures – but it always holds on to the roots.

Generations of matriarchs have built layer upon layer of a tradition that has formed a foundation for every human life they have created, but what happens when it starts to crumble? What happens when the bedrock of the society they knew morphs into something else and the trusty old answer to motherhood – what grandmothers and their mothers before them did, smacking their children or giving them a little bit of rum in the Christmas cake custard – is no longer acceptable?

The traditional Catholic mother – or the image we have of her – is full of contrasts. She is hardened and hardworking (which actually means never not working). She is soft and warm. She is constantly forgiving, but she is not foolish. In fact, she is sensible. But she may have a sense of humour. She is firm, but kind. She is loving and caring. She is harsh and cruel. She is the impossible!

I am 16 years old and I am forced to consider being a mother. One wrong move, my own mother says, and my whole life – at least the next 5 years – is turned upside down and shaken up like dust lining an old book or something settled in a clouded jar at the back of the fridge. My mother has a stern look she puts on, just before she says words like “risk” and “good decisions”. It fills me with dread. I’ve had nightmares of getting bigger and bigger until I nearly burst like some balloon of blood vessels and tissue with no control over my body; I’ve dreamt of crying and pleading with friends’ mothers begging for a lift to the hospital because the one person I should be able to talk to would never talk to me again if I tried; in my subconscious, I’ve watched myself die doing the one thing I never intend to do: becoming a mother.

I have the great privilege of being unafraid of anything in my future, except that.

So what do we do when we’re afraid? We pray.

“Mother who endured the unendurable, mother who holds
and salves and saves us, mother to whom we whisper in
the blue hours of the night, mother whose gentle smile is
our food, mother without whom we would die of despair,

mother to whom we will run sobbing and laughing when
our chapter closes and the path to your arms opens wide,
Pray for us, pray for us, pray for us. Amen.”

Litany of the Blessed Mother

Brian Doyle

(Notice how that was written by a man?)

To end this jumbled laundry list of anxieties (like blood-stained sheets) and stray threads of thought:  Motherhood seems to me like a constant game of how long can you hold on, how tightly can you grip, how far can you bend? And what happens if you break?

ϯ ϯ ϯ

Year 10 English Enrichment

Year 10 English Enrichment

 

London


5th of July 2022

It was around 6:00 AM, UK time, when our plane touched down at London Heathrow Airport, Terminal 3. A glance at my still un-updated phone told me it was 3:00 PM back in Sydney. My weary eyes and tangled hair did little to dampen my enthusiasm – after all, I hadn’t landed in a different country for more than two and a half years. I was far more awake
than the four hours of upright, uncomfortable, interrupted sleep in the last twenty-four loud hours should have allowed.

Nevertheless, a slow transit from the terminal to the comfortable, if admittedly somewhat unimpressive airport hotel, led to the beginnings of the inevitable jet lag, creeping into my mind like water soaks into a sponge.

My youngest brother, who, as soon as he sat down, relieved, on the hotel bed, had been slammed by a wave of tiredness, decided to retire to the hotel room. My father stayed with him. Empty commitments to meet us were made, but it was clear they wouldn’t eventuate.

The rest of us, feeling optimistic about the day ahead of us, decided to head into town.

The tube ride, for that was the method of transportation we had chosen to make the cross-town trip, figuring the other, far more expensive options, would not prove to be of value (a mistake we would not repeat when we visited later that year), was loud and bumpy, the Piccadilly line train barrelling through tunnels and viaducts in the western suburbs of the English capital.

My mother and brother dozing off, the train ever so gradually filling up with commuters, teenagers and retirees, talking, reading the newspaper, on their phones, I found myself gazing out the cloudy train window, enticed by the gridded rows of terraces, hypnotised by their striking familiarity and yet put off by their distinctly un-Australian surroundings. Too-green grass, aspens and oaks so starkly different from the brown shrubby ground and towering eucalypts I knew so well.

And yet, intermittently, I would catch a glimpse of a plane tree and that distinct feeling of familiarity would return, as if I was peering straight at those same plane trees growing mere metres from my house in Sydney.

Forty-five such minutes after our departure from Heathrow Airport (a trip that, although decidedly shorter than the last, felt, in a certain way, just as long), our now-crowded train pulled into Knightsbridge station. We had resolved, in an attempt not to overwhelm ourselves with the commotion of central London, to get off a few stops before. This resolution, although we were unaware of it at the time, would prove to have been wise – when we visited later that year, there wasn’t a spot of footpath unoccupied across the various boroughs making up the city’s centre.

Besides, the location of the station, directly adjacent to Harrods and a short walk from Hyde Park and Buckingham Palace, allowed for at least some of the sightseeing almost a requisite when visiting London. The rest, or most of it, we were able to complete upon visiting six months later.

Following a brief shopping trip to Harrods ( my mother was determined to find some baby clothes for her soon-to-be-born niece), most of which was spent attempting to navigate the labyrinth-like escalators and stairwells in search of a food hall (a search which, although successful, only led us to high tea houses and upscale restaurants), we set off, somewhat aimlessly, through the streets of Knightsbridge and Belgravia.

School children in excessively formal uniforms and caps, accompanied by posh-looking parents, emerged from ornate red brick buildings which revealed themselves, upon further inspection, to be schools. Some of the most expensive schools not only in the country, but in the world. The excited atmosphere, streets buzzing with laughter and chatter, divulged that it was, in fact, the last day of school in London.

The animated energy drew us in, engulfing us as we meandered past rows of embellished brick buildings, fascinated, and somewhat incredulous of the private parks breaking up the adorned street walls. One such park, Cadogan Square Garden, is particularly ingrained in my memory, with its almost tropical thick foliage, trees foreign and familiar, teeming with birdsong and insects buzzing, dogs barking and children shouting, running around on a paddock of perfectly trimmed grass, and yet all behind locked gates, completely restricted from public access. The price for the keys to the park? A 17 million pound flat in one of the buildings fronting onto the square.

Such a prospect was bemusing and almost romantic at the time, but with the clarity of hindsight (and lack of jetlag) was actually rather sad more than anything else. Nevertheless, the red brick buildings with their white ornaments, window frames and cast iron railings tugged my family further, seducing and alluring us as we bathed in the warm midday heat.

Presently, we found ourselves nearing Buckingham Palace, the streets widening and that strange charm evaporating as emerged from the strange, detached microcosm we had so recently become acquainted with. Loud buses and cars whizzed past as pedestrians crowded along the footpaths, for the afternoon peak was now well and truly underway, commuters descending into Victoria Station and cramming onto buses, making their way home on what, to them, was a day like any other.

As we rounded a tree-lined corner, the aforementioned palace came into view, safely preserved from onlookers by adorned gates, 30 metres of gravel and the famous guards, tourist attractions in themselves. We spent little time lingering, the welcoming shade offered by trees in the adjacent park doing more to allure us than the glamour of the palace.

A stroll down The Mall, lined with meadows and towering plane trees led to a turn onto St James Street, past the decidedly less popular but no less significant Friary Court and St James’s Palace, which was followed by a fascinating walk through London’s West End, with its white marble buildings and statues, each somehow more intricate than the last, and, ultimately, to the Green Park underground station.

Entering the station, its entrance unsurprisingly located in a park (named The Green Park, and stretching back to Buckingham Palace), the noise of the street doubled as the light level halved in turn. Footsteps and discussions echoed off the tiled walls, commuters crowded around tube maps and ticket gates. And yet, the feeling that this station, despite its blank utility and crowded passageways, contained just as much history as the buildings on street level made it no less intriguing than the world above.

Boarding the crowded train from the equally bustling platform, I found myself, at last, acutely aware of my arrival, thrilled by the anticipation of a further seven months abroad.

Looking back, that first day in London still stands out as one of the most exciting, not because of its eventfulness (the opposite was true) but rather the excitement itself. The promise of the day, the lack of pressure to do anything as, after all, it was simply a layover, the anticipation, regardless of whether it was ultimately met, the familiarity and juxtaposed novelty combined for a unique, memorable experience I have not encountered since.

Basel

3rd of November 2022

The door closed on our small rental flat in central Basel, the Swiss city straddling the banks of the Rhine, its suburbs creeping into the neighbouring countries of Germany and France. We set out, a party of four consisting of my father, my two younger brothers and myself, to walk to the Dreiländereck – the point at which the three countries meet. Our decision to walk, spiting the convenient, nearly-direct tram ride from our apartment to our destination, was bold – the journey, largely on the riverbank, braved industrial estates, squats and decrepit warehouses, their crumbling walls framed by graffiti.

We were centrally located in Basel’s Clara district, hardly a block from the city’s main exhibition place, the epicentre of the scents of toasted almonds and chestnuts radiating from the city’s extravagant autumn fair. The energetic air dissipated as we descended the stairs towards the river bank, excited children replaced by elderly couples, festival stands making
way for linden trees and a miscellany of buildings – half-timbered houses, brutalist flats and modernist offices forming an adorned frame of the turbulent river-portrait. A red brick repurposed brewery bore an arch opening to a courtyard of restaurants and cafes, tables and chairs spilling out onto the main promenade.

Moving north along the Rhine, the houses, now detached, gained gardens, the pedestrian promenade narrowing to a footpath as a single-lane road took over and grassy slopes submerged the brick quays on both banks. Passing under an arterial road bridge, freight trains obscured the view to the river on one side, while 20-storey office towers behind a barbed-wire and concrete fence dispelled any attraction on the other side. We took a path which, briefly crossing the freight yard, continued down to the river, snaked its way through graffitied warehouses and dodged an abandoned-looking building we later established to be a squat. The riverbank, now eerily empty and quiet, was lined with docked freight vessels.

The road veered right as a canal cut its way from the river into an artificial harbour, leaving us no option but to cross an active freight railway bridge. Warily, the four of us hurried across. Our unease grew as we approached vacant restaurants and party boats, all fairly modern but strangely empty. It was clear the area failed to attract tourists staying in the city
centre.

Upon finally reaching the Dreiländereck, a number of people huddled around the flat metal pylon marking the location, the agitated atmosphere lifted, the path emerging from the huddle of buildings and opening up onto a stunning portrait of the Rhine and the landscape beyond.

The day in Basel was, in hindsight, an ideal encapsulation of my time abroad. Its slight inconvenience, unease and pressure, built up and finally released, was perfectly reflective of numerous other instances I experienced; the hurried bike rides to school through stunning parks; the uncomfortable airport experiences necessary to reach incredible destinations; the forced transfers at neglected train stations, overbooked trains trundling through charming vistas. What Basel did best, however, was that emergence onto a beautiful landscape, the ecstatic relief and the overwhelming feeling that, as was hoped, it was all worth it.

Berlin

29th of January 2023

If in London I felt excitement, and in Basel I felt unease, then the sight of the suitcase on the bed in Berlin, the apartment as tidy as it had ever been, invoked in me something far more ambiguous. I had taken a final tour of the flat, deliberating as I passed from room to room, observing the familiar furnishing for, quite possibly, the last time. The layout of the living space was strange; two late 19th century apartments renovated and joined following the second world war; bright rooms with high ceilings and open spaces linked by narrow, windowless hallways. An out-of-tune grand piano, which we had planned to tune ourselves, was largely unused – noise complaints from the insistent upstairs neighbours had, from early on, put a stop to our emphatic playing.

The neighbours who, on a number of occasions, had scolded both my parents and my younger brothers, were surely happy to see us leave. We had opted against knocking on their door to say goodbye.

Our previous trips to the Berlin airport, as there were a number, had largely consisted of a ride on the city’s S-Bahn network, fast but less capacious than the taxi we had ultimately opted for on that day. The airport, although new, was, to our family, notoriously “typisch Berlin” – typically Berlin.

Its convoluted security system, as we had discovered on previous visits, involved frequent redirections between bag checks, conveniently located in separate terminals, check-in kiosks with queues spanning the length of the building, often raising concerns from other disgruntled passengers, unfriendly staff who seemed reluctant to help with each request and gates seemingly as far from the terminal as possible.

Needless to say, discussion in the taxi, perhaps in an attempt to distract from the fact our stay was coming to an end, maybe just out of sheer anticipation, was centred on how best to approach the dreaded trip through the airport.

A contrary experience awaited us when we ultimately did arrive at the airport. Despite our having to check our baggage, pass through security and find our gate, only an hour after the taxi doors closed my family was sitting, waiting for the automated announcement calling our flight, the text reading “BOARDING” or “GO TO GATE” to appear on the departure board, the hour and minute hands of the clock to slot into place and indicate, decisively, that it was time to depart.

Sitting, finally, in my seat on the plane, my mother to my left and brothers to my right, I concluded the ambiguity would not disappear. A certain untameable excitement rose within while its wistful counterpart lodged itself in my mind, a gladness to return warring with a reluctance to acknowledge the conclusion of my time overseas.

By the time the last day in Berlin had arrived, I was mentally all but back in Sydney. After intensified contact with friends in Australia following a long period of minimal interaction, plans for how to best fashion the first few days back, including much deliberation over how quickly I could eat all the food I had been craving for 6 months, and preparation for the transition back into the Australian school system, I was giving little thought to savouring what Berlin had left to offer me before my return. And while I will no doubt be taking the city up on those offers upon my next visit, a lingering regret will undeniably remain, the inevitable feeling that if I was re-gifted that time, whose worth I could not perceive, I would spend it differently.



 

Year 12 English Extension 2

Year 12 English Extension 2

 

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I’ve learnt that stories left without endings are the most frustrating of all. People hear of girls born on nights of life and fire and expect them to rise, shine, to burn down the world. The night I fell from the sky left people with questions only I could answer. Where are you now? How did no one notice, because wherever they go, stars always burn. Perhaps I should begin with an apology. The space I left let memory run wild, imagination leap and bound. It left you breathless, empty with unknowing. But I won’t apologise. I might answer your questions, or not. I don’t know. But that choice I have is freedom, yes?

You seem to enjoy metaphors, so I’ll say my story this way. I never was a star, was nothing more than a piece of rock in space whose burning speed gave it a false light. When I fell to the earth, sank with the briefest splash to the bottom of the ocean, transformed into nothing more than a stone, you realised that anything ordinary can be made extraordinary with belief.

But putting it like that makes it seem as if I have ended, that my end was small and pathetic. When light becomes darkness we are taught to feel as if something has been lost, but I disagree. I moved to Mumbai soon after that night. Did you know that? You couldn’t have. No one did. For the first time in my life, I had true anonymity. It bothered me those early nights being only myself, and yet no one all the same. But I could see the whole city alive with light from my balcony window, and I learnt the beauty of darkness.

I feel as if it’s tradition to end with something inspiring; to tell you I have found myself amongst all the sacrifice, the carnage. But really, the most I can say is I am no longer lost. Maybe I will be brave and dare to offer you this – I am happier. When people see me these days, they seem to see a blankness and move on. There’s a freedom in remaining unseen and to be able to choose who sees you. That might sound strange, but it makes me happy, because in the end we must all be able to find the words to understand our lives and name our stories. I think I’ve found it.

Mine.

***

Behind the scenes of Lost and Found (pre-release) with Reshmi Varghese @FortheYouthMag (22.04.20XX)
Interview with Aileen Nguyen (AN)
** : off-mic

[BTSLostandFound(1).mpeg transcript 00:00:30]

AN: Hi everyone! I’m Aileen and I’m here today on the set of the upcoming and much anticipated ‘Lost and Found’ television series!

{Insert: Lost and Found trailer + show excerpts for 00:00:15}

ANToday, I’ll be interviewing a very special guest. We know her as the nation’s Golden Girl who first blessed our screens in the role of Anita in ‘Often’ and has finally received her first main acting role, it’s the beautiful Reshmi Varghese!

Reshmi: Hi everyone!!

*Camera Crew (CC)* :

We’d like a quick tour of the set, just as an introduction to the video.

 

 

Reshmi: Yeah sure! So we’re at the cast member caravans right now… and if we go a bit further – oh, hello.. haha…anyway … a little bit further and we get to the makeup and prop caravans. I’d love to go in but I don’t think we have that much time… And then off to the left here we have the setup of the high school which is the central stage for much of the… show… and then -hello!- This is my house! Not completely built… right now we have the dining room and bedroom but I think they’re planning to expand a little more by next season…hopefully… and then-

 

Cut from “oh, hello…. haha.. anyway

(00:01:15 – 00:01:48)

 

*CC* :

We’ll have to wrap up this section soon.

*RV* : Oh yes, okay …

 

 

[BTSLostandFound(1).mpeg transcript 00:03:59. END]

***

 

The birth of the new is the death of the old. But Shyla Varghese didn’t want to die. In the maternity ward, she is just another woman in mourning, the culmination of her pain and the subtraction of her dreams laid out, screaming, beside her.

“Do you know what you’ve taken from me?” Shyla asks her child, “Do you know what I’ve lost?”

In the haze of exhaustion, Shyla’s mind bites, burns, until she is no longer sure whether what she feels is hate or love. The hospital walls are filled with blank stories of mothers who have lost themselves here, and Shyla too can feel herself blurring, being destroyed and reborn. The Shyla of the past whose words made her powerful, who had grown drunk with the taste of creation was lost, burnt to wisps of smoke that slipped through her hands. What is she now? Another girl turned woman turned mother, who, like her mother-in-law, will age, wrinkle, grow bitter, watching and waiting for the dreams of others to shatter just as hers did.

The child’s crying is ceaseless. Shyla watches it writhe against its yellow blanket, chest heaving.

“You’re cursed too,” she murmurs. This child, her newborn daughter, will live a life already written.

Perhaps a sense of pity drives her to take the girl in her arms, hold it soft against her chest. Or maybe it’s sadness. The girl will be young, and full of dreams, only to lose them one by one to this man-made, man-filled world. One day, she too will lose herself.

And that thought ignites Shyla with anger, or something deeper that burns white-hot at the base of her stomach and leaves her mouth tasting of ash. Who cares for the old stories, she rages, when I can write a new one myself.

“Your name is Reshmi,” The words whip like fire across her tongue. Her daughter is silent for just a moment, eyes wide, but it seems like eternity, “Ray of light.”

Shyla remembers that night as one of life and fire, where new-mother and new-daughter stared at each other until she could no longer tell whether the burning light she saw was her child’s or her own, reflected upon mottled skin and misshapen limbs, not yet moulded into place.

***

[BTSLostandFound(2).mpeg transcript 00:00:39]

 

RV: And this is my little caravan!

My mother told me that if there was something I should want to be, it is perfect.

AN: Oh!! It’s so cute! Where should I go?

RV: Oh yeah, just right here let me just…take another chair…

Cut from 00:00:39-00:01:03

 

In this world imperfection is weakness. It marks you as prey, to be torn apart till you are flesh, blood, bone, nothing.

ANOkay, let’s jump right in! So Reshmi! How do you feel finally getting your first main acting role after fourteen years of acting?

RV: I’m…ridiculously honoured. Like, everyday I’m on set I’ll get these moments of complete euphoria…as if I’m really where I belong.

People are piranhas. Right, Amma?

[BTSLostandFound(2).mpeg transcript 00:01:48]

***

Leela Varghese has a message for her husband.

“Your grand-daughter had another interview yesterday,” Leela speaks to his name, indented on black marble, “ I watched it. She’s becoming quite the star,”

No one visits the graveyard this early in the morning. She is alone and even the air stands still. The silence reminds her of the funeral ceremony where she had marvelled at the way death turns even the largest of presences into nothing. That man is now no more than a name inscribed into the family vault, a date every year where she will produce the same tears, hear the same consolations. The thought makes her smile.

There is always more that cannot be said out loud. After his death people’s eyes had changed when they looked at her, and their fear-mingled respect tasted sweet in her mouth. She’d almost understood why he had loved her most when she cowered. That there was no need for happiness if there was peace, even if peace was not kindness, but secrets held in silence. And that he, now forever silent, would never be able to claim Reshmi as his own, or stop Leela from doing so.

Her hands against cold marble reminds Leela of the past. The speckled floor of her childhood home cool against her head, listening to her grandmother’s stories of women becoming queens, queens becoming heroes, heroes becoming Gods, teaching her to dream. It has been far too long since Leela was a child, and she has become disillusioned. There is nothing heroic in her stories made of half-truths, about dying husbands, lost families, girls that shine like stars. Just survival.

***

[BTSLostandFound(2).mpeg transcript 00:02:30]

AN: This is a very popular question I got from our ‘FortheYouth’ viewers – what’s your favourite part of the set?

 

RV: Oh…definitely my bedroom. I think we briefly saw it during the set tour but the whole concept around my character, Lila, is that she’s very imaginative, very artistic… She has a deep interest in like mythology, legend so the entire bedroom is covered in stars and constellations and there’s lots of drawings and books on ancient legends from so many different parts of the world including Greek, Egyptian, Indian…

Add clips of bedroom from 02:33 – 02:35

 

My mother still lives in her stories. In these stories, she is the heroine, and I, her weapon, a flame to burn down the world that burnt down her dreams.

AN: Oh yes, the bedroom! Is there any particular reason you like it or… just because it’s pretty?

But a flame lit in an enclosed space burns down nothing but itself.

RV: Haha, well the aesthetic is part of it but …I think it’s just that it really reminds me of my mother. In the character of Lila, I really see – or I imagine, I guess- what my mother was like when she was younger, because she was also really into mythology, very creative. She had a fascination with light and stars…that’s the reason for my name – Reshmi, it means ray of light. When I step into that room, I’m reminded of her belief that I would become something great. I hope I’m making her proud.

When I am nothing more than dusty ash, will you love me all the same?

[BTSLostandFound(2).mpeg transcript 00:03:08. END]

***

Mai Aoki is not the first journalist to ask Abel to write about his sister.

“She’s your sister, Abel” she had rolled her eyes after his first refusal, “You’re telling me you lived with her your entire childhood, and you don’t have a single story about her?”

At that point, their conversation was interrupted by a phone call for Mai, who, ever-restless, proceeded to answer before speeding away. He had never been able to tell her that storytelling was his mother’s speciality, not his, or that his mind was filled with stories. But stories can not just be told.

Nevertheless, he ends up trying. In the wavering light of Sunday morning, he finds himself slouched at his desk yet again.

My father named me Abel because in this tumultuous world, it would bode well to be God’s favourite. He said the night I was born was a particularly suffocating Chennai night, so he had gone for a walk. Standing outside the hospital entrance, he had looked up to the sky, saw the stars covered by smokey haze and been filled with fear. He told himself it was love.

Abel had always hated the name his father chose. After all, his namesake had not been saved by God’s favouritism.

My mother named my sister. She named her Reshmi, ‘ray of light’, because she saw fire in her eyes that first night. My father had had a name for her too, but the name and his protests died that day, burnt away by Amma’s determination.

When he sees Reshmi on the screen, he is dizzied by the speed with which she spins real life into a story. Their memories, shared, were no longer theirs – they were the world’s to pick and choose. Abel’s old stories had torn him apart. Even now his nights are marred by memories of strange hands and webs of beautiful lies. He wakes up with his back sticky with sweat, mouth bitter, thinking of Reshmi.

And maybe this is where the difference begins. My father named me out of fear, believing I would need some kind of extra blessing to get through life. My sister was named out of something stronger, some unnameable force my mother saw which I will have to diminish when I refer to it as power. In our culture a baby girl, and a second child as well, is condemned to a life of passing glances. But Reshmi shone with a light that none could ignore, and that all wanted claim to. Time would pass and countries would shift, and yet she was the one whom they flocked to: a treasure that rejected tradition, culture, normality.

It would be a lie to say I don’t get jealous sometimes.

It is undeniably the most truthful thing Abel has ever written. It scares him, fear curling around his throat. He drops his pen and scrunches the paper into a tight ball, thinking of his sister, mother, of restless journalists, strange fathers, lonely old women thousands of kilometres away, of the lies that bind them together. He imagines writing a story filled with truth, where its blinding light frees them.

His paper ball lands with a soft thud in the trash.

***

‘Golden Girl’ Reshmi Varghese from Lost and Found answers your Fan Questions @LibertyAir (13.05.20XX)
—(self-interviewed) —-

[RVFanQuestionsONETAKE.mpeg transcript 00:00:05]

RV: Hi everyone, I’m Reshmi Varghese! I play Lila in Lost and Found and I’m here today to answer your questions. Let’s get started!

People love stories. 

(Insert show theme until 00:00:10)

 

 

Question: First audition?

It seems we have a fascination with beginnings.

RV: First audition? Well… I think I auditioned for a clothing commercial for Fosara Global when I was about… five? With my brother because we did everything together at that point and… we both got in! It was our first proper acting gig and I remember… being so excited.

And everyone adores a success story. Rags to riches, Cinderella type plot, you know?

Question: Hobbies/passions outside of acting?

RV: Oh! Recently I’ve gotten into going to art museums when I have a day off and seeing new exhibitions. It’s a pretty creative sort of hobby, on theme with the rest of my family. My mum was really into writing when she was younger and my brother is an art curator now so… yeah. I suppose that love for creativity has really influenced me.

But it is as my mother said. Imperfection is weakness. In these interviews, in this life as Reshmi Varghese, I must only tell the most beautiful stories , even if they are lies.

[RVFanQuestionsONETAKE.mpeg transcript 00:00:40]

***

Contrary to popular belief, Shyla is not divorced. In three weeks time, Abraham and Shyla Varghese will have been married for twenty-two years, a number symbolic of Abraham’s pride more than anything else, or perhaps fear. It seems that even living continents away from family, he can still hear their whispers, judging. In their farce of a marriage, one of survival, tradition remains unchanged. They meet up for dinner on the second Monday of each month, although Shyla really has no reason still to come. But she has always been a dreamer, hopeful.

She realises her foolishness yet again, half an hour into dinner.

“You’ve put her on a stage she’ll never escape. She’ll always be watched.” Abraham critiques her nonchalantly, eyes on plate, cutlery sliding as it separates fleshy meat. She hides her nausea with a scoff, and it is only then that he meets her eyes.

Shyla had always found her marriage ironic. She had written thousands of stories of love, beautiful, hopeful, passionate love. But she would only know this, two decades of empty distance. If she was a dreamer then Abraham was a coward stuck in tradition. He had heard his children’s stories of the fear taught by the smells of smoke, the taste of alcohol from foreign lips and proclaimed his daughter ‘ruined’, told his son he would “never be a man, was less than nothing”.

That day she had realised he wasn’t hers. She could not write out his flaws, could not dream him to perfection. Distance has become a void, and her mind is heavy with thought. She is tired of hoping.

“Don’t pretend you care.”

***

[RVFanQuestionsONETAKE.mpeg transcript 00:06:01]

Question: What do you think of your nickname, Golden Girl?

It is my job to keep you dreaming. So these beautiful lies become your beautiful dreams, and my lies, they make me beautiful.

RV: Oh, Golden Girl haha… well…I think it’s quite generous. I don’t really know where it came from? I mean…I don’t know if I’ve done anything to make me…golden…

Being beautiful made me loved. Your love was suffocating, all-consuming. I never wanted it.

Question: Brief summary of Lost and Found plot?

RV: Lost and Found is a coming-of-age series that circles around a group of young teenagers in modern day America as they navigate aspects of growing up. I play the main character, Lila, who is a young Indian-American girl whose parents migrated before she was born and grew up without much interaction with her culture. The majority of season one focuses on her attempts to learn more and reconnect with her culture in order to, I guess, provide her a sense of belonging. She is helped by her friends who all have struggles of their own which (hopefully) we will go deeper into depth into in later seasons! At its core I would say this series is not just about providing representation for the diverse nature of individuals in America, but also acknowledging how essential our relationships with others are in providing a sense of belonging.

And beautiful children don’t stay children for long at all, don’t even feel beautiful in the end. In the darkness we cannot see the light. We are nothing, less than nothing.

[RVFanQuestionsONETAKE.mpeg transcript 00:06:57]

***

In the display in the living room, there is a photo of Leela holding her grandchildren, Reshmi on the right, Abel on the left. It was taken years ago, in a time when she had wanted to be a grandmother, wanted to love and feel loved by little hands and bright eyes. But children grow and families shift. When her grandchildren returned, their eyes regarded her with the same wariness she sees in their mother.

A child’s love is shaped by the words of the powerful, and Leela’s power is irrelevant in the face of seemingly endless distance, eight thousand miles of land and sea. But you cannot mourn something you never really had, so its absence is reduced to a slight ache when she sees Reshmi on the screen, or when Abel occasionally calls and forces them both into twenty minutes of polite conversation. In those moments, she asks herself, would it be better if I could love you?

Abel had video called just last night. Reshmi had been nominated for an award.

“It’s quite a big deal. I wanted to know if you wanted to come see the ceremony,”

“To America?” Leela has lived eighty years and her longest plane trip was a domestic flight from Chennai to Lucknow. America is a place that exists only on screens, as mythical as Reshmi. She sees Abel smile.

“Yes Ammachi. Come to America. See your granddaughter win an award. I’ll pay for the ticket,” he looks away, “It’ll sound pretty impressive to the neighbours.”

And in the moment she had laughed, but it was laughter laced with sadness. A sadness because children grow and learn to lie, and when she looks in the mirror, she can only see herself for all she is. An old woman. Sad, scared and alone.

***

[RVFanQuestionsONETAKE.mpeg transcript 00:13:41]

Question: What made you audition for/accept this role?

They say my brother saved me. I don’t disagree. The choice to speak about years of sexual assault was his sacrifice, especially in this world, where men do not speak about being touched by other men, at least, not in that way. People love beauty, and being held by loveless hands is terrifyingly, undeniably ugly.

RV: Oh, it was definitely driven by personal experience. While I am not as isolated from my culture as Lila is – I was born in India and lived there when I was young – I can definitely relate with her feelings of, I guess…not being quite ‘Indian’ enough to fit in. Like, at family gatherings when we used to visit, my brother and I were treated like… exotic animals or something even though we spoke the same language and, to some extent, held the same belief systems. I found it really frustrating. Another big part of me accepting this role was because of my brother, my one…consistent role model throughout life, I’d say. As an actor he was just so talented and I was always trying to be as good as him. He would have loved an opportunity like this to represent issues he was passionate about. It just seemed right to take this role… a little tribute to him.

But tell me, if I was the one who was saved, if he was the sacrifice, the scapegoat, how come I can only look at his eyes and wish for a mere fraction of the happiness I see there?

Question: Recently you were nominated for the prestigious Eternity Awards as Best Main Role in a television show. How do you feel?

I’m not a fool, brother. This was not completely your sacrifice.

RV: It’s… exciting? I’ve worked so hard all my life, and I guess in some way it feels like it’s all been leading up to this. Honestly, I’m still thinking of Abel. I always thought he’d get an award first.

It was also your freedom.

[RVFanQuestionsONETAKE.mpeg transcript 00:14:23. END]

***

They grew up pretending to believe. Nothing ever stopped Amma from waking them up on Sunday mornings to read the Bible. As a child, Abel found himself wondering if his mother believed this was the way to save them. From what, he wasn’t sure. Herself? Appa? The world? And when he was fourteen, he discovered that no mother ever saves her children completely, that beauty is a curse and there is no devil worse than the men that surround them.

He grew to understand that cabs were a place of loss. He would enter, exit, and lose parts of himself forever. The memories of managers, directors, producers slipping clammy hands under the fabric of his shirt, breathing hard against his ear turned the days into nightmares.

Sometime in high school Abel discovered acrylic paints. He was inexperienced and a slow learner but he loved the texture, the feel of a paintbrush on canvas. Paint spreading under his control. In those days when everything seemed at war, where he was less than anything, something he never wanted to be, he found painting was a way for him to lose it, almost freeing. Him. Almost Free.

And perhaps it gave him things too. Gave sight, anger, courage because Reshmi was only a child, only a girl, and they had no one but each other. And what was a brother if not a protector, a saviour? So he became a sacrifice at eighteen. To die felt freeing, and he promised himself that Reshmi’s tears were joy, as were his. His paintings dripped with colour; blue, pink, red, yellow.

He has a studio in his garage now. He plays the radio as he paints, as canvas becomes full, filled, fulfilled.

Actress Reshmi Varghese is one of five finalists in contention for the Best New Actor at the prestigious Eternity Awards, where she will be competing against…

Abel is no idealist. Words are only words and power is given to those who deserve it least. But he enjoyed the way the men that had once ruled them turned fearful in court, eyes scittering, the way the crowd had hung on his words, eyes bright. He has seen them again and they have turned away, bodies stiff, because in him was a chance, the memory of their undoing.

His mother had hoped they would find freedom in belief but it had been three years since he died and Abel knew better. No gods would ever give him the freedom of chance, of endless possibilities, a canvas, blank and waiting.

***

—LIVE BROADCAST—Eternity Awards, Channel 61, 03/07/20XX

Hosts: Jaycee Faoud (Actor, model), Steph White(Comedian)

[Transcript from 01:35:15]

Faoud: Hello everyone! We are thrilled to be back to announce the award for Best Main Role in a television show! It is our most anticipated award of the night, and no wonder, because this year has seen spectacular performances from our young actors, whose roles continue to push the boundaries of television.

Our stories tell us love is noble. They lied.

White: Yes, we should be placing an emphasis on young, because that’s what the majority of our nominees are! Lila Wang, Jada Boateng, Reshmi Varghese…so much talent at such a young age! Makes me think about how little I’d done as a teenager…

[Audience laughter]

 

 

Real love is not noble, not a wife waiting for a lost husband, not young lovers under moonlight dying for each other. It is anger, reflection, selfishness. Us and our webs of lies..

Faoud: Let’s take a look at our nominees.

*Television Director (TD)* :

Okay Graphics 2 play for 1 minute 30 …now.

[Clip for 00:01:30. Nominations – Lila Wang- Thereafter, Jada Boateng – Me and You, Christian Tasopoulos – The Bookstore on 9th street, Reshmi Varghese – Lost and Found, Eve Mckay – Nirvana]

 

I’ve been taught to fight for the love of strangers, to keep smiling, acting, to prove I am worth the attention they give. But they say eyes are the windows to the soul, and in the twisted depths of your eyes, I do not see love. I see my death, written amongst the stars.

White: It pains us to choose just one winner from all these amazing nominees… but it has to be done. The winner of the Best Main Role in a Television Show goes to…

How much more must I give? How much more love, life, breath must I lose?

Faoud+White: Reshmi Varghese! Congratulations!

If someone could give me a time limit, it would be easier.

[Transcript- 01:37:31]

***


On the morning of the award ceremony, her daughter had asked her what love was. Staring at the mirror, Reshmi looked uncharacteristically dull, and the tiredness in her eyes made Shyla want to lie. But then she remembered the lies in her own life, that she would reach great places and achieve her dreams, or at the very least, marry a husband who would love her. Lies had not done her favours.

“Love is made, kutta,” she had said, “With the things you do, and what you are,”

There is a long moment before Reshmi turns and offers a smile.

“I’ll go get changed,”

She wonders if she imagines tears in her daughter’s eyes reflected in the mirror as the door closes. When Reshmi comes out, beautiful in a blue halter-neck, she reassures herself she has.

But lies are poison to the teller as much as the told, and as Reshmi goes up to receive her award, Shyla can not shake the twisting feeling in her chest that the machinery of their world, memories, dreams, are just waiting to be wrenched apart. The yellow-white stage lights turn Reshmi unnaturally pale, almost see-through, and in a moment Shyla sees what she has done. Her daughter made of glass has a skin laced with cracks. She has been made to break.

Perhaps Shyla should be angry when Reshmi runs from the stage, or at least sad. But in the moment she is breathless, only wishes she had told her daughter. I lied, kutta, love isn’t made, it is taught. And no one has taught me love more than you.

***

[Transcript from 01:37:31]

*TD* : Floor Camera 3 medium close up. Good, good. Now Stage Camera 1, focus downstage. medium full shot, allow zoom in

Once, in some series I watched, the main character said “Aren’t we all just actors? Always acting?”. I found that so funny that I had slipped off the couch laughing, and Abel and Amma were left laughing with me out of shock. When they asked why, I couldn’t find the courage to tell them.

Reshmi: Oh my goodness… wow… this is so unbelievable… I have just, so much to say, so many people to thank…I started my journey in this industry so young. I was acting in commercials and doing child modelling from as young as five but I really couldn’t have imagined … getting up here, achieving such a prestigious award.

But it was so funny. The way it took only a moment to expose us all as liars, characters on a stage. A moment for everything to become nothing, something undeniably fake. And it was sad. In the mirror last night, I saw a girl cry, because in the bathroom she is free, but on this stage, I am not. I would, for once, like to be the girl in the mirror, to cry for no one but herself, to speak words that speak alone and aren’t someone else’s whispers.

* Technical Crew (TC)* :

30 seconds left for acceptance speech

*TD* : Right, thanks.

Reshmi: I feel like for so much of our lives, we are taught to believe that there’s this division between the actor and the audience, that there’s just something about actors that make them special and allow them to…shine on such big stages and receive big awards, but I want to tell you that is not true. I remember being a child, and then a rookie, getting small roles here and there, watching other actors getting this award and going…wow…that can’t ever be me. But the reality is that I wouldn’t be here without the support of all the people watching me through this screen, without the help of so many family, friends, managers, producers. What makes someone great is not just their ability or their experience… it’s the people around them and…I guess what I’m trying to say is … anyone can be great.

I’m tired. I’ve said that before, haven’t I? Why does no one hear me?

[Transcript- 01:38:10]

***

Leela knows failure when she sees it. Reshmi’s eyes widen, and the panic that fills them makes Leela pity her, for just a moment. The hall has become loud, whispers rising, eyes fastening on the falling star. Destruction is the most beautiful thing in the world. Reshmi runs.

Leela is grateful for her seat at the end of the row. She offers a brief glance to Shyla and Abel, before tapping Abraham, indicating the exit. She is a shadow, nothing in the face of the fall of something great. In the car Abraham gives a frustrated sigh, massaging his eyebrows the way he’d seen his father do.

“That woman,” he speaks through gritted teeth, “She ruined them both. What am I supposed to do now?”

To follow the rise and fall of stories is a skill Leela has perfected. The drive to her hotel is spent reassuring her son and preparing herself for her return, where she will be given the power and trust given only to characters, the chance to tell a story entirely her own. A selfish mother who force fed unrealistic dreams to her daughter. A family that Leela mourns over saying, if only they hadn’t left, if only they were with me, I would love them, protect them.

Her mind is filled with questions, the possibility of the word ‘perhaps’ – perhaps, if they had stayed, if she had tried, if everyone had wanted. But the past remains the past even if the questions linger. She notices her tears with a little shock in the dark reflection of the car window closes her eyes, thinking about almost truths and always lies, stories spun to survive.

***

[Transcript from 01:38:10]

*TC* : five seconds… cue music?

*TD* : Not yet, giver her ten more…

 

The press has a name for me. Golden Girl. This was even before they knew what my name meant. They say it’s because I shine.

Reshmi: …I…I need to thank people… so many have made me who I am today. My family in India, who may or may not be watching this. My grandmother who travelled all the way here to see me…

Reshmi: My…father and mother… my brother… the wonderful Abel Varghese. I love you all. I…

*TC* :

Five…

*TD* : What is she doing? Someone tell her she needs to wrap up now. Okay you know what… cue music in 5…

 

My brother still calls me Kochu, child. I am small in his eyes, precious. My mother calls me kutta, darling. When we were still talking, my father called me his pride. “This is her,” he would tell family, friends “My pride and joy.”

Reshmi: …um…

I have a thousand names, and none of them mine. I am made of a thousand dreams, a thousand burning fires, but in the end, I am just one moment.

*TC 1* : She’s …gone…

*TC 2* : Is that…?

*TD* : No. Not part of the script.

All :

Reshmi: …sorry…

The great stories do not remember scattered moments lost in the wind. I am crying, and it is me, not the girl in the mirror, Reshmi Varghese, the star, the light, but what meaning do names really have?

[Transcript end 01:39:04]

 

***

When Abel was ten, they lost Reshmi in a supermarket. The fifteen minutes until they found her huddled next to the freezer aisle trying not to cry had felt like the longest moments of his life. He had been young, and at that time their story of two was a world with only the other. He had promised to never lose his sister again.

He finds Reshmi backstage hidden between dark stage curtains, her makeup stained with tears that don’t seem to stop.

“What’s wrong,” he is asking, holding her by the shoulders, “Reshmi, tell me.”

But she cannot tell him, and perhaps he knew it all along. She is lost in a way he never would be, in mazes of dreams she never had.

Abel had been the first to find her when they lost her that first time and young children don’t have the words to soothe a fear so deeply unexplainable, of being forever lost. In the face of his inability, Abel had done the only thing he could. He held his sister close, letting her tears and snot soak through his shirt until their parents found them. Not much has changed. Everything seems to become nothing in the darkness. It feels as if their world is simple again, just them hidden in the shadows, the beginning, where one is two is one is two. Reshmi sniffs.

“I’m tired, cheta,” her voice is a whisper, scared to be heard. He closes his eyes, wondering how he could have been so blind.

“I know. I’m sorry,”

Visual Arts

Visual Arts

Works from some of our Visual Arts Students

Photography & Digital Media

Photography & Digital Media

Work from some of our Photographic & Digital Media students

Volleyball

Volleyball

 

This year was a big year for volleyball at Fort Street. The Open Girls team participated in 3 major tournaments throughout the year, starting off with Volleyball New South Wales’ school championships in Term 3. After two days of intensive volleyball, our team unfortunately fell short and ended up placing 4th, narrowly missing out on a medal in the Year 10 Girls’ Division 1. However, the team came back better and stronger with the help of their volunteer coaches in the One Day Volleyball NSW Schools Cup held in Term 4. On this day, our team consisting of only Year 10 and 9s played up and ended up winning in Year 11 Girls’ Division 1. We were able to perform exceptionally well, winning all our games undefeated bringing home gold for the first time. Another milestone for volleyball this year was entering the Australian Volleyball Schools Cup (AVSC). AVSC is a nationwide tournament and the largest school based sporting event in the southern hemisphere with over 5000 participants this year. 2023 was the first year that the Fort saw a team entering this national tournament. Hosted in the Gold Coast our open girls team entered Year 10 Division 1 to face schools from all across Australia and New Zealand.

We hope to see even more involvement and interest in volleyball at the Fort next year!

Caitlyn Lu

Year 10

Boys Football

Boys Football

2023 proved to be a year of mixed results for Boys Football and Futsal at the Fort. The year began with the Open Boys CHS competition. We were unfortunately knocked out in the first round, losing 6-3 to St. Ives High School on a near-40 degree day.

The U15 Boys Bill Turner Cup team made it to the 2nd round this year, beating Newtown Performing Arts 6-3, thanks to a superb 5-goal performance from Kawin Chen, before falling 4-0 to Rose Bay Secondary College. Although outclassed, the team put in a great effort and should be very proud of themselves.

The 14s, 16s and Opens Futsal teams all participated in the Eastern Suburbs Futsal Competitions between the 8-10th of March. The 14s and 16s put in a valiant effort, winning a couple of group-stage matches along the way, while the Opens team narrowly missed out on finals by a couple of points. The Opens Futsal team also participated in the Campbelltown competition in Minto, where they missed out on a finals berth by a single point, losing narrowly to the team who finished 2nd in their pool.

All teams are extremely grateful for the time, effort, and organisation from our various coaches; Mr. Galvin, Mr. Pagani, Mr. Sarif, and most importantly Ms. Ezekiel. Without the volunteered time from the aforementioned teachers, none of this would have been possible.

Dante Diaz

Year 10

Rugby

Rugby

In 2023, Twelve Fortian boys in Years 9 and 10, were ready to tackle a new challenge and carry Fort Street into the unknown world of Rugby Union. During July this year, an expression of interest for a Rugby tournament was sent out, and with just 4 training sessions, the boys found themselves lacing up for their first game on a warm Wednesday afternoon. Mixed with emotions of excitement and nerves, the team took to the field to play a 10-a-side Rugby match. Although some were new to the sport, the unwavering spirit and chemistry of the boys led them to a 31-5 win over Moriah College, a remarkable effort by Fort Street. Following the end of the tournament, Fort Street unexpectedly, yet deservingly, found themselves in the finals match against the experienced Kesser Torah College. Although fighting hard, the team left the field with an unfortunate final score of 10-5, one game away from winning it all. However, this tournament acts as a pivotal moment in Fort Street Rugby culture and must be seen as a huge success. The community would like to express a heartfelt thank you towards Ms. Ezekiel, Mr. Sarif, Trae (our training coach) and any other staff members involved, for their efforts in making this tournament possible. A massive congratulations to each and every one of the courageous players. The entire Fort Street community stands by them wishing them one win further next year.

Team

Year 10: Damon Kim, Alexander Patterson, Max Hutchinson, Charlie Dey, Joseph Mcgee, Lachlan McIntyre, Max Bai, Joe Roper, Leo Courtice & Jacob Read

Year 9: Grant Gao, Thelo Harris, .

Damon Kim

Year 10

Girls Basketball

Girls Basketball

15 Girls CHS Basketball Team 

After having a bye in the first round, the 15 Girls CHS Basketball team played their first game of the year against Henry Kendall High School on the road. Being the dedicated Basketballers that they are, the girls arrived at school at 7:30 a.m. and piled into a bus brimming with enthusiasm, ready for the long trip up the coast. Fort Street were ready to play right from the tip-off and we were too much for the opposition to handle. We ended up beating them convincingly, 65-12! All the players on the team contributed and special mention goes to two Year 7s – Avivi and Nea– who were playing in their first Basketball games for the school and contributed mightily to the win.

The second game was at home against Killarney Heights High School. This was a good contest, with both teams playing well and Fort Street taking the lead going into the fourth quarter. Killarney Heights managed to fight back and tied the game in the last few minutes. With a raucous home-court crowd cheering our girls on, it was deafening in the Gym. In the dying seconds of the match, the score was tied and Avivi was fouled in the act of shooting. She went to the free throw line with the game in the balance and all the pressure on her shoulders. Avivi calmly stepped up and made the winning free throw to give Fort Street the win! It was a great victory for the team to be a part of. Ashley was unquestionably the player of the match. She dominated at both ends of the court, doing everything possible to get our team over the line. She turned in what was possibly the best performance ever by a Fort Street Basketballer and her 33 points on the stat sheet only told part of the story.

Having won their first two matches, our team travelled to Terrigal on the Northern Beaches for the fouth round of the CHS knockout competition. It was a mini-tournament with all the best teams in the region. We played two games, the first against Northern Beaches Secondary College and the second against Tuggerah Lakes Secondary College. We lost the first game despite some great leadership and play from our Year 10 students. With only a short break between games, we managed to regroup and drew our second game. We ended up finishing 3rd overall for the tournament, which was a tremendous effort, but ultimately one spot away from advancing to the next round. Thus, our season came to an end, but we walked away with our heads held high.

Our players were commendable throughout the season and represented the school with class. They should be very proud of the way they played the game and how they carried themselves on and off the court. Also of note, Ashley Huang achieved the rare distinction of captaining both the Fort Street 15 Girls and Open Girls CHS Basketball teams in the same year! Congratulations to the members of the team for making it as far as they did.

Team

Year 10: Ashley Huang (Captain), Koharu Seino, Alexa Salmon, Nina Gibian

Year 9: Nicholette Anastasia, Eden Davis Year 9

Year 8: Joyce Zhang

Year 7: Avivi Davidson, Nea Tarrant, Victoria Zhao, Xixi He

 

Open Girls CHS Basketball Team 

Our first game against Tuggerah Lakes was at home. The team played well together with many offensive and defensive rebounds. Controlling the boards, we managed to control the game and ended up winning 43-17! Going into the second round against Willoughby Girls, we were pumped and excited for the away game. After going through a quick warm up, led by vice-captain Ashley Huang, as well as a pre-game pep-talk from the coach Mr. Vaughan, the team was ready. Beginning well, a total of 27 points were scored by our team throughout the match, 15 of them being impressive 3-pointers from Hannah-Grace Lee, Sophie Kilburn and Ashley Huang. However, it was a tough game with the opposition full of incredibly talented players who were recognised from the Junior Premier League. Nevertheless, Fort Street’s effort and tenacity was admirable with a special thanks to Mr. Vaughan for coaching and leading the team.

Team

Year 11: Lucie Atkin Bolton, Hannah-Grace Lee, Vivian Shao

Year 10: Anika Sinha, Ashley Huang, Koharu Seino, Livia Zhen, Sammy Anand, Sarah Ly & Sophie Kilburn.

Lucie Atkin Bolton

Year 11

Frisbee

Frisbee

Fort Street has experienced one of its biggest growths in Ultimate Frisbee since 2019, with 6 students representing New South Wales at the Australian Youth Ultimate Championships and over 30 students participating in the NSW state school championships. The FSHS A team came 3rd out of 20 teams and the B team ranked 11th. Furthermore, from the Australian Youth Ultimate Championships, the New South Wales teams won 1st and 2nd place. In turn, the now-graduated Year 12 student Lucas Liu was selected for the Australian U20s national team. With a new year and new state team selections coming up, many Fort Street students are eager to try out again for the first time.

Thanks to the welcoming environment on the oval, a lot of Year 7 students have discovered their passion in frisbee. Under the leadership and guidance of our experienced senior students, they are honing their skills in preparation for the Junior Schools State Competition next year. Many have joined the Frisbee Club run by Christian Burger (relieving for Edmund Feng) on Tuesday mornings from 7:45 a.m. – 8:45 a.m. in which students of any skill level are welcome to join. Throughout the year we have worked through basic throwing skills, then progressed to more complex game strategies. The fast-learning Year 7s are already demonstrating their speed in learning new skills and are almost a challenge for the year 10s to play against.

We hope to see Ultimate Frisbee continue to grow at the Fort, and we know that the future of Frisbee is in good hands.

Christian Burger

Year 10

 

Girls Football

Girls Football

The Girls Football and Futsal teams have wrapped up another successful year. The CHS Open Girls team made it to the 2nd round, beating St. Ives High School emphatically in a 10-0 victory before narrowly losing to Willoughby Girls High School 2-1 in a very hard fought match. The team should be very proud of their efforts as all the girls played very well in both games. We are already looking towards next year to match or improve upon our results from this year.

The U15s Girls Bill Turner Cup team also made it to the 2nd round of competition this year. In the first round we faced a strong Randwick Girls High School team who took us all the way to extra time, as they held us to a 1-1 draw at full time, but with a last minute goal the team came away with a 2-1 victory. Unfortunately, we came up against Matraville Sports High School in the 2nd round, this school runs a program dedicated to Football development and so despite our best efforts, Matraville came away with the victory.

In the April School Holidays this year, our U15s team entered in the Female Football Festival, a tournament based in Kiama meant to promote the Women’s World Cup that was later in the year. Fort Street was the only school team entered in the entire competition, meaning we came up against highly skilled teams who had been playing together for years. The team still came away with 2 wins, despite the muddy conditions and very capable opponents. It was an incredible experience, all the girls learned a lot and enjoyed it very much.

The U16s and Opens futsal teams participated in the Eastern Suburbs Futsal Competitions alongside the boys this year and they both proved to be successful endeavours throughout. The U16s came out undefeated, winning the gold and qualifying for the state competition. The Opens team fell slightly short, losing on penalties to Mariah College in the final, however silver still earned us another spot at State for this year. The success of the futsal teams has been a long time coming, the last few years we have been working incredibly hard and playing so well, only missing out on State very narrowly, so all the girls should be very proud of our 2 qualifications this year. At State, the U16 was placed in a very tough group and with the loss of some key players due to injury, unfortunately they were unable to move on to the next round. The Opens team, however, played incredibly well making it all the way to the quarter finals where they were finally defeated.

I want to give a very big thank you to Ms. Ezekiel for all her efforts with the Girls Football teams this year, not only in organising but also coaching and supporting. None of the teams would have been able to get anywhere without her time and effort.

Nina Gibian

Year 10

Cricket

Cricket

The Fort Street High School cricket team this year played one knockout game against Epping Boys. The players were delighted at the opportunity and experience of representing the school in cricket. The game was played at Epping Boys High School Oval, and our team of 11 players was captained by Henry Wakeling and coached by Mr. Keating. We arrived at the venue bright and early, and the game began with the toss, which Epping boys won and decided to bat first. Ready for the challenge the Fort Street High School team went out to the field. With a breakthrough wicket in the first over, Henry Wakeling got Fort Street off to a great start. Epping Boys began to steady their runs and kept a great run-rate throughout the innings. After a tough battle in the field, three more wickets were taken by Henry Joyce, Achyuth Arunraj and Henry Wakeling respectively. By the end of the innings, Epping boys managed to post a menacing total of 160/4.

Despite facing a tough challenge, the Fort Street team were ready to rise to the occasion. Henry Wakeling and Henry Joyce stepped up to bat first and began with a strong partnership. However, the Fort Street team never really found its footing, with wickets constantly falling. A key performer in the middle overs of the game was Achyuth Arunraj, scoring a team high of 10 runs. Raghav Goel was the second highest scorer for Fort Street, amassing 9 in his short cameo, coming in at number 7. Epping Boys was able to clean up the tail-end effectively as well, sealing the win, as Fort Street only managed to score a meagre total of 41 runs.

The match was a great experience for the whole team, showcasing the thriving spirit of cricket at the Fort. With regular training and more game time, we are determined to return next year with an improved skill-set and ensure that Fort Street comes back better than ever!

Chinmay Dixit and Bhavnish Jain

Year 9